a moment of clarity in mommyland

wash cycles

2006-03-28T13:04:00.000-08:00

once upon a time,

there were 3 new pairs of kakhi pants. these pants were joined in the washing machine by 1 pair of off-white clay colored pleated front pants, a new 'winter' white turtleneck, several white pull-over long sleeved polo shirts, seveal pairs underwear, little boy and mom sized, and assorted socks.

that was once upon a time.

for upon such a time as laundry day, his mother (that would be me)decided to wash the load of whites in hot water and tide with bleach alternative, for whiter whites and brighter brights.

once upon a time,

there was the evil witch of the kingdom of Crayon. and she cursed mom with forgetting to check pockets...(you can see where this is going) and in forgetting to check pockets, i forgot to look for the clues which would solve a coming mystery.

upon that time of transferring the washed clothes into the dryer, mom was cursed with the distraction of sharing the room with leonard skinner, the freaked out cat, and trying to protect the laundry from a spray of cat litter and fear.

the clothes went into the dryer white and came out christmas colored. a red crayon and green crayon met and married in the dryer--and their offspring populated the world domain of the dryer...all over the whites. and natalie's new kakhi pants...

at the bottom of the dryer was an assortment of other treasures...paper clips, dice, pencil stubs, erasers, wood chips, rocks, gum wrappers, a barrette, a matchbox car wheel and bits of paper.

and the kingdom did mourn the passing of the white garments. yet it seems that the homage paid was not a price high enough, for upon the replacement of said shirts and kahki pants, yet again, did the curse of the red crayon visit the load of laundry 4 days later...and again, natalie's pants bore the offspring...(talk about hairy eyeballs...)

we did manage to get the crayon out of the dryer crevices...and by 'we', i mean natalie...and we managed to save the second pair of pants by scrubbing (heloise tip here) the stains on both sides with wd-40, then scrubbing well with dish soap and washing in the machine yet again, but avoiding the dryer...

the pants did come out of this beating whole...

and there was much rejoicing...

change

2006-03-22T08:01:00.000-08:00

my 7 year old has been a trooper through this whole divorce process...i thought that we were over the worst of it and that he understood that my ex and i were not together anymore...

but day before yesterday he came to me at breakfast and asked me 'if two people divorce, can they get remarried to each other?' long pause while i gathered my thoughts.

'yes honey. they can. but i don't think that's what's going to happen with your dad and me. he's going to marry miss kari.'

he said 'i know mommy. i just wish we could be together again.'

DRAT the fool! he's sleeping with her in front of the boy. i would like to shake some sense into him--LOOK what you're doing to your KID!!!

my poor baby--i just want to shield him from stupidity...

shut yer yap!

2006-03-13T16:52:00.000-08:00

i am officially venting.

i settled down tonight to surf the news sites while i waited for my son to shower so i could put him to bed. when i opened the google news site, i saw another headline bearing pat robertson's name.

cringing.

the man does not know when to shut his yap. he says things that i find so offensive, i am incredulous. HOW does what he says exemplify the kingdom of heaven?! i know what he says he stands for, but how often does he go off half-cocked, ill-advised and stirs up a world he evidently knows little about?

whenever he says something as of late, it seems all he does is make it harder for the missionaries on the field to accomplish their work. lemme list a few of his latest foibles.

Monday, on his live news-and-talk program "The 700 Club", he is reported as saying that Islam is not a religion of peace, and that radical Muslims are "satanic." with the furor that just died down over the cartoons, why say this now to stir people up again? the islamic community is full of people who have high passion and solidarity, as evidenced by weeks of rioting and destruction for the cartoon offense.

in its most simple form, you could say the event was an excuse for trouble, but seriously, people, the islamic community is huge and religious passion is no observer of border.

robertson has also come under intense scrutiny and criticism in recent months for comments suggesting that American agents should assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, which resulted New Tribes Mission being forced to pull its missionary teams out of the tribal areas. the end result was the careless remarks cost YEARS in kingdom building.

robertson also gaffed over Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's stroke, calling it 'divine retribution' for Israel's pullout from the Gaza Strip. regardless of personal feeling, isn't there a better way to research the events and respond or call people to action?

if you're gonna be a catalyst, at least arm people with the truth.

otherwise...shut yer yap.

one of those images...

2006-03-13T12:36:00.000-08:00

that will NOT leave me alone.

ever run across something that tickles your funnybone and you don't buy it, but just can't stop thinking about it?

i have. i wish i had bought it. i ran across a watercolor of a camel recently on a daytrip in saugatuck. found it in a little gallery that had a mish mash of items--it was in a bin of watercolors of animals--zebra, horses, sheep, and this one of a camel.

camels are ugly critters--stubborn and they look like they smell BAAAAAD. this artist had done a pictoral 'how to'--the piece was entitled 'how to tweet your camel's nose' and i burst out laughing as i looked at it.

it was a beautiful rendering of the camel's face, a hand pinching its nostrils shut, and the resulting whistle shaped holes the camel produced as it tried to breathe. i suspect it was a trick to get a bridle in the camel's mouth, as it's a similar trick used on horses.

but it was funny. ugly. ridiculously irreverent...and well-crafted for $15. well. to the artist who created that--THANK YOU. tho i regret not purchasing it, it remains an image firmly stuck in my head and one that makes me laugh everytime i think on it.

thanks for a lovingly warm look at a stubborn, ungracious creature...i know there's an object lesson in there somewhere....

wondertwin powers!!!

2006-03-10T08:21:00.000-08:00

...activate!

shape of: little boy! form of: WATER!

that's my boy today at school. the kids were supposed to dress up as a character from a book they read.

well, my kid read a science book about water and hydropower. so, he went to school as a waterfall. no really. blue turtleneck, blue pants and a blue fishnet draped over his shoulders.

it started out with a skeleton request, which then moved into a bumblebee request, but, you understand, when such things are coming at bedtime, one can only make do so much. the fabulous ungkl pol and i tried talking him into dressing as a ninja cuz he read a book about ninja from the magic tree house--and he was a ninja for halloween...no such luck. absolutely refused to be a ninja.

opted to be 'water' instead. i spent much of my evening trying to figure out how to make a 'water' costume out of plastic wrap and tinfoil. UNFORTUNATELY, it wouldn't last through the day, so i had to come up with another option.

FORTUNATELY, we had just had a 'cast-away' party as a family in celebration of matthew's cast coming off this week. luau theme--you can see where this is going.

UNFORTUNATELY, we nearly tore the ceiling light apart trying to get the fishnet off.

FORTUNATELY, it came off in one piece...and the light was intact.

UNFORTUNATELY, the netting could be considered a choking hazard on the playground.

FORTUNATELY, matthew hates extraneous accessories like coats, gloves, scarves, hats, boots, clothes, in general.

UNFORTUNATELY, i suspect the netting will be lost after having been part of our household for 24 hours.

FORTUNATELY, my kid will be alive.

and as he traipsed off to class this morning, i saw him bump knuckles with a friend--a greeting of sorts that prompted the 'wondertwin' flashback...

that's my story, and i'm stickin' to it.

leos

2006-03-08T09:54:00.000-08:00

i dropped a note to my old pastor in jackson. just let him know what had happened since last we met--pastor leo cumings--i thank you for your influence and for your mentorship.

he counseled us and married us. i just thought i needed to drop him a note to let him know what has happened in the 9 years' interim. and you know what?

his comment 'this is not how it was supposed to be' rings so true. a bit of vindication, and teaching--

in this life, and on this earth, this is not how it was supposed to be...but it is, and God can still salvage the situation for His purpose and glory.

if you come by my desk today, you may hear the strains of 'o! for a thousand tongues to sing!' eminating from my head. cuz that's what's dancing around in there now.

new civilizations

2006-03-03T06:37:00.000-08:00

it's pretty much a done deal--we entered our settlement on record yesterday and dissolved the state of our union.

sounds cold and calculating considering all the crap that's associated with such a matter--but then again, considering all the crap that led to our divorce, distance is not such a bad thing.

i look back at earlier posts around d-day and i marvel at how far God has brought me--these last couple years have been my ebeneezer--God has brought me this far--and when i can't see His hand, i can look back and see the handholds and footholds in a sheer rock face.

it's a journey--becoming who i am today. in spite of the horrific pain of the last 9 years, i can say i would not change a thing in the circumstances that surrounded me. the only thing i would have changed, if i could have, would have been my response.

at the same time, wouldn't that have changed my circumstance? that's an unknown--the variable in that instance may not have even noted any change in response. but knowing who i am today--i like that me--far better than the me i was when i was a teenager, or a college student, a career woman or even a newlywed.

i can see growth--i have the scars to prove i am not who i was--and that,my friend, is a far, far better thing.

closing the door on one chapter of my life and moving forward lightspeed to ardent hope.

sunday rhythms

2006-02-27T11:47:00.000-08:00

spent yesterday afternoon with the Helms' family...a family that has befriended family and taken us under their wing.

arlene made a killer glazed ham for lunch.. and in the interim period where we all waited for the food to settled down enough to cram some ice cream in, paul, fred (their son) and i went into the basement for some fun.

paul played the drums, fred the guitar...and i got handed the djembe hand drum--kinda like a conga drum. now--i got it by default cuz i was down there--not cuz i play well. but the number of times i join the rhythm circles and attempt to keep up means that paul likes to play with me.

so fred hits a few cords, paul starts a rhythm and i hop in where i think it's time. didn't embarass myself too badly--but at the same time, the thought occurred to me that i wasn't playing the accent, i was playing with the bass drum--or with the tomtom--and the djembe has such a unique voice, that it really should sing solo counterpoint to othe main rhythm.

try as i might, i could not do it. the guys in ocean blue make it sound so easy. all i succeeded in doing was confusing fred and paul. or myself...mostly myself. i was using all the wrong phonetic tones--but i suppose that's because i barely knew what i was doing.

fun as it was, i was relieved when we stopped. so, i think, were those upstairs being subjected to 'stairway to heaven' in 4 different keys. (sorry freddles) always fun. reminds me of the time paul and i found the rhythm room at the COSI museum in toledo. we each grabbed a pair of sticks and worked out point and counterpoint in multiple tones in the room.

drew a small audience--but i can tell u this--i had very little to do with it--the whole thing was driven by paul--and i was doing my best not to screw it up. but it's enough that i don't have the sense to quit.

metamorphise in the north and hope one day not to crash in the rhythm and the rhyme of sunday afternoon.

supermom....!!

2006-02-16T09:18:00.000-08:00

scrambing at all ends to keep it together as a single mom--today, i'd had it.

i wore my supermom boots. (back before i knew about my ex's waywardness, i was having a really down day. wanted to treat myself to some attitude boots, so i bought a pair of over the knee black microfiber heeled boots. worn them a couple times, under shorter skirts and such...felt like an anime character. LOOKED like an anime character, minus the blue hair.)

they got tucked away into my closet to be used in emergency situations. that was today. i was tired of feeling frumpy and dowdy and all the things that i felt this morning.

pulled out the super mom boots. tucked my dress pants inside, wore a riding jacket...and i'm ready to conquer the WORLD!

plus they looked tasteful enough where i can get away with it at the office. only you and i know my secret identity. today--i CAN leap tall stacks of books in a single bound, i can stop a flying kid from landing hard on a wall, hence breaking his other arm, and i can write faster than speeding deadlines!!!

i'm a mom! i look ridiculous! i am SUPERMOM!!!

(ok. i've been silly enough now.)

toothpaste on my finger...

2006-02-14T06:42:00.000-08:00

ordinarily, when you get a smudge of toothpaste on your finger, you lick it off. bend your arm, bring your hand to your mouth and lick it off. i don't ordinarily think of the difficulties of such a simple action--but i did last night.

as you know, matthew broke his right arm last week at school--not a bad break, but enough to require a cast. he has a simple 'L' cast but no thumb spike, so he has full use of his hand.

initially, he wore his sling cuz it was tender...but as of sunday, off came the sling, and into full play mode. which is great! using his right hand to eat and do other things he normally does has been a little bit of a challenge because the mobility is hindered signicantly.

as proven last night. at dessert, he got a bit of chocolate cake on his right index finger, i looked up and saw him straining to lick it off--but his neck didn't want to stretch that far, nor did his tongue extend quite long enough to lick that tantalizing bit of cake off his finger...and his arm refused to bring his hand any closer to that waving flap of muscle. i laffed so hard, i snorted water through my nose.

about a half hour later, he's in the bathroom getting ready for bed. a long, laborious process for those of us outside the bathroom...wondering what on earth is taking him SO long to brush his teeth????

i knock on the door, and open it. he's standing there trying to lick a glob of toothpaste off his right index finger. finger is extended back as far as it will go without causing pain in his arm, tongue is reaching and neck is craned and...he...just...makes...it. big grin. satisfied. he can lick his finger. all is well.

it doesn't help in keeping a kid on track (one who is messing around)if the disciplining parent is laffing so hard tears are starting to leak out.

matthew is standing there with that goofy gap-toothed grin 'what?' 'mom, what?' 'what?!'

you know darn well, 'what', kid. you make me happy.

fort yuen...

2006-02-13T06:47:00.000-08:00

on saturday, we built forts. the old-fashioned-grab-every-cushion-off-the-furniture-kind.

the boys (fabulous unkgl pol and matthew) against the girls (mom and ant natlee). we were at a distinct disadvantage, having gotten trapped in the office doing business...the boys got tired of waiting and took all but 2 cushions for their fort on the long couch.

when we finally straggled in, each boy was firmly ensconced in a fort 'hold', or room...complete with flashlights, snacks and comic books. two faces peering out of the dimly lit cave interior...

natalee and i looked at each other, shrugged and went to collect blankets for our fort. we stole the kitchen table and chairs--so OUR fort had ventilation...natural lighting and easy egress. PLUS we had a sliding gate that would stop many an ill-intentioned missile.

we got comfy in our fort that used 3 queen sized thermal blankets and all the chairs...lots of room to stretch out (take THAT! ungkl pol--our legs DIDN'T fall asleep!).

snacks, books and quiet...and...all the adults fell asleep. but not until the Rubber Band Wars of 2006 happened. ungkl pol got out the BAG. it had 500 rubber bands. they shot and shot and shot and shot...i made a run thru the no-man's land for my room...grabbed my 12-shooter rubber band pistol. navigated thru the crossfire for the girls' fort.

then loaded...and showed no mercy. at least I could hit the broadside of a barn with my rubber bands. matthew gave up and started throwing handfulls. (evil grin) paul got me once in the neck...but a siege for them meant no food--cuz we blocked the access to the KITCHEN. (MWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA!!!!!)

we prolly shot all 500 rubber bands before we got tired enough to quit. the adults settled down to read. most of us fell asleep. matthew eventually got bored and left the fort to go play video games.

all said...good times!!!!! (got to teach that boy not to trash talk....)

WELL now...

2006-02-07T13:40:00.000-08:00

tuesday started out promising and at a nice easy pace.

that all changed with a panicked call i got at around 11:30--it was my ex who was telling me something about matthew and falling and school calls. i heard every third word cuz the connection was bad...but what i didn't hear made my imagination go into overdrive.

i hung up, grabbed my coat and hightailed it out the door. making flurries of phone calls. first called my boss to let him know why i was gone. then the school. then the doctor. then daycare. then my ex. got to school.

the boy was a pitiful mess. crying his eyes out. he does not cry unless the distress is really, really bad. so that sent a jolt thru me and i felt this lump forming in my throat. it really was a deja vu of the night he broke his leg.

got him up and out the door. another call from my ex. no, i don't know anything more than i did 15 minutes ago. i'll let you know when i know. doc's office calls--someone cancelled a physical--if i can get matthew in the door in a half hour. i'm on my way.

he falls asleep in the back seat, a sweaty, shocked mess of a boy. it's 28 degrees with a windchill and he can't put his coat on--it's draped over his shoulder...and he's cold. i want to pick him up and run across the parking lot, but i can't. it hurts his arm.

so we hurriedly shuffle into the doc's office. a quick triage and we're downstairs for an x-ray. and was THAT ever painful. 2 techs trying to get him to move his hurt arm so they can take pics, and he's crying so hard he can't breathe.

i thot the one techie was gonna cry with him. he felt so bad for hurting matthew, he followed us out to the waiting room and offered a special 'broken bone club' sticker. wait, wait, wait. 20 minutes later, we have the films and upstairs we go again.

doc looks...and yes. it's a torus fracture, also known as a buckle fracture--an incomplete break, but enough to cause pain, swelling internally and other difficulties.

time for a cast. 2 fiberglass rolls later, we're ready to leave--back in 4 weeks. no sling small enough for a kid. i have to go buy one from a medical facilities place. the guy there takes pity on me and sells me his last kid sling for $5. nice guy. could be cuz my kid was leaking tears while we stood there waiting for him to find it.

my nerves are shot when we're all done. i take matthew out for ice cream. we're waiting for my ex to get home so he can rest in comfort. i'll get him tomorrow and between me, aunt natlee and the fabulous ungkl pol, we'll pamper the snot out of him.

little man, good night, sleep tight, i'll see you in the morning. may you know the grace and peace of our Lord tonight.

fairyland....

2006-02-07T05:40:00.000-08:00

matthew lost his first tooth yesterday. the fabulous ungkl pol was there when it happened, having fed his nephew an apple for dessert...and said fabu-guy put the artifact in a small plastic tub for me to review in matthew's archive.

of course, i had to play the parent role and figure out how to slip a payment under the kid's pillow. but said kid stayed awake a long time last night. so at 6:10 this morning, i slipped in and did the deed.

matthew must not be real clear on the whole tooth fairy thing, as his tooth was not under the pillow. nor did he look under it for the prize, until i asked him. brief excitment...then as he's getting ready for school, he comes in with toothbrush in hand.

i said 'smile.' i told him his smile was so cute. then he looked at me and said 'is it because i lost a tooth that you think i'm cute?'

oh dear. mommy alarm klaxoning in my head. 'warning, warning, warning. danger danger' there was something in his voice that sounded not quite right. there was that seconds' hesitation on 'how do i answer that?' and a prayer for wisdom.

had the sense that this is one of 'those' moments where my answer could either wound him or leave him reassured. so i said, 'nope. i like your smile cuz it's you.'

evidently, that was the right thing to say. got a big HUGE grin, a hug and kiss and all was right with the world. he's 7. life is still simple.

but all i can say is this parenting thing is full of nuances and i feel like a big ol wild buffalo on the rampage. i'm gonna earn every one of my grey hairs. :)

i've outgrown that....

2006-02-06T09:28:00.000-08:00

you know that time distortion that happens when you go back into your closet and find things from college that you haven't seen for 10 years?

try 'em, reminisce and pitch it. that's been my life for the last half a year. i've re-discovered a lot of things that started out good 14 years ago, but have since outgrown the items or my taste got sophisticated.

yes clothes. my college pal tamara helped me purge my closet when i moved out last year...everyone needs someone to mock them and shame them into good sense when they're getting rid of 14 years' worth of crap.

another case in point. music. i was a HUGE fan of raspberry jam, and early 90's indie band signed by a label called 'metro one'...i had a cd called 'oceanic' that i loved to bits (and is so scratched i can't play it all the way through)--i used to own the earlier project called 'chi rho'...and figured it must also be good since i once owned it and liked the sophomore effort.

so i gamely ordered both. anticipation....building....waiting forever for them to get here. today, there they sat---in shining glory in my box. shreds of paper trailed my wake in my hurry to get them ripped into my library...

and...and...and...ahhhhhh....i hit 'play'...."WHAT is this crap?!'

i checked the disk and the album...right name...all the data matched up, but i did not like what i was hearing. bad production values, horrible singing, and worse lyrics. WHAT was i thinking?!

erase that off my library. scrape the palate clean...insert 'oceanic' and hope for better....and ahhhhhhhhhhhh. THERE'S the sound i came to know and love.

i must have outgrown 'chi rho'--not everyone can remain a 98-pound bride forever.

pm dawn

2006-02-01T06:14:00.000-08:00

mellow morning where things are falling into place...
i'm seeing today's deadline coming together with minimal effort, which is good, considering that i have lost my voice.

a bit of a bummer, cuz i skipped right over the cool 'wolfman jack' stage and went right into 'squeaky'.

once again, the radio gremlin got me when yoda is out of the country. it's been a pattern for me. it seems like everytime yoda leaves and cannot anchor the broadcast, i get sick and lose my voice, or a family member gets deathly ill, or a major crisis happens.

in any case, i'm writing deadline now, and am head bobbing to pm dawn's 'jesus wept'. amazingly alert today, considering i got home late last night, and then paul decided it was a good time to 'kato' me.

he has been fixated on trying to scare the crap out of me the last few days. night before last, i heard him trying to be stealthy...so he didn't get me. but then yesterday morning, all he had to do was sit on the couch waiting for me to leave, and as i didn't expect to see him there, when he was, i freaked out and dropped all my stuff.

last night, he hid in 4 different places finding the best 'hiding place' from which to scare the crap out of me. he finally decided to just stand behind my bedroom door. when i came back after cleaning up for bed, i walked right past him and went into my closet. but when i closed my door, there he was, standing there with a goofy grin on his face...and all the crap fell out again. scared me to pieces.

we laughed and talked for another 20 minutes before he finally decided to go to bed. i was ready for him this morning. i opened my door and threw a pillow out in the hall first. scared the crap out of the cat (he looked at me like this: >:< ).

sorry, lenny. i mistook you for the fabulous ungkl pol.

i'm sleepy....

2006-01-18T05:04:00.000-08:00

and it's only 8 am. this day is gonna be loooooong.

went to bed round midnight last night/this morning, and woke up wide awake at 4:48 am. attempts to go back to sleep were futile, so i got up to work out at 5:45...since my alarm was going off in another 15 minutes anyway.

and now i'm payin' for it. i'm on my second cup of coffee already and it isn't working. pop a few vitamins, drop a set of pushups...and i'm still sleepy.

bedtime is when matthew goes down tonight, i think. help! driving home is gonna be a pain in the patoot tonight.

tryin' to wake up with a little ocean blue today...listening to 'beneath the rhythm and the sound'...great road trip music...

breakfast in bed...

2006-01-14T05:57:00.000-08:00

...and it's not even mother's day!

i have such a cool kid. he came into my room this morning (sat) around 8:30, and gave me a long hug.

we watched a little bit of thomas the tank engine, and then matthew said 'stay there, mom. i'll be right back.' this statement is followed by much clanging, clanking, drawer slamming and other kitchen noise.

then i hear him trotting down the hall. he arrives with a small breakfast tray. a tupperware plate with a yogurt, a small cup for a clementine, a butter spreader, a cup for 'coffee' (which is mostly cream and milk mixed together), and a napkin.

all this is presented with a flourish.

did i say this kid is great? a mom could get spoiled rotten. :)

here we go...

2006-01-13T10:03:00.000-08:00

see if you can keep up.

my internal hamster was spinning away in the wheel today and generated this random thought: "if i am the resident weirdo in my office, what does that make a REAL weirdo?"

followed by: "am i eccentric?"

look up the definition of "eccentric"--

as an adjective, i would be:

1. Departing from a recognized, conventional, or established norm or pattern. See Synonyms at strange.
2. Deviating from a circular form or path, as in an elliptical orbit.
3.
1. Not situated at or in the geometric center.
2. Having the axis located elsewhere than at the geometric center.

and as a noun:

1. One that deviates markedly from an established norm, especially a person of odd or unconventional behavior.
2. Physics. A disk or wheel having its axis of revolution displaced from its center so that it is capable of imparting reciprocating motion.

i always thought of eccentrics as those 60-something hippies with flyaway, long, gray hair in broomstick skirts and birkenstocks...smelling of sandalwood or patchouli. not myself. in fact, i don't like the first defintion at all--it's too 'normal'...not at describing the uniqueness of an individual that is pigeon holed into the label of 'eccentric'.

i prefer 'motorcycle mama'. all 'tude...all the time...now, when i am 60-something, i may have flyaway, long, gray hair, and may have traded in the harley for the more staid tradition of a grocery-getter, but i will still be a unique individual...(sidebar--my son could rebel and be 'normal', possibly favoring adult garanimals...)

taking this a half step further--i was created to be the resident weirdo and have determined to fulfill this with all the force i can muster. celebrating the unique individual and strengths we are given is a celebration of God's creation.

my boy....

2006-01-11T07:06:00.000-08:00

i miss my boy. the holiday schedule has been favorable to matthew's dad--and i don't have difficulty with that, but i miss my boy.

i miss his laughter, his shining eyes when he greets me, the pleas for a few more minutes' sleep in the morning...the happy dance...singing ridiculous songs...reading more new bionicle names in yet another saga of the chronicles...

i miss his round head. his carefree hugs. his square hands. his 2-second attention spa....what's that?

once we get back into the normal swing of things, i will be relieved.

waterworks

2006-01-10T06:59:00.000-08:00

i used to have all the cd's of a band called 'the ocean blue'--however, in the changes of life, i no longer own any of them...and am slowly replacing them...

in this case, i found an EP from 2004 called 'waterworks'...and in listening, i found a wonderful transport to a roadtrip. it's that kind of music...

good for me today--it's a combat boot day--sunshine and coffee. doesn't get better than that...

mercy

2006-01-09T07:36:00.000-08:00

What is mercy?

There are four definitions found, but I am personally enveloped by the fourth as an "Alleviation of distress; relief"--

This is yet another pointer toward the necessity of forgiveness, the release of anger, and the move toward mercy…more importantly, the timing of mercy, and subsequent healing.

Mercy is active, it moves toward the person who needs it, or seeks it, but one condition is not mutually exclusive of the other.

Mercy comes as the result of forgiveness…agreeing to live with the consequences of someone else's choices…today, I am struggling with a disquiet that comes of being just short of hope because I fight against myself…just short of the peace that I need to get through today.

or it could just be week 3 and some serious PMS...anybody got chocolate?

random thoughts

2006-01-06T12:48:00.000-08:00

forgiveness is not a co-dependent activity...

2005

2006-01-05T06:44:00.000-08:00

i'm doing what i said i wouldn't do--recounting 2005...

as it was 365 days long, i will summarize by highlights and lowlights...

here goes:

in 2005, i got an outstanding service award at work
matthew learned to tie his shoes
my world caved in--and
i found out where real strength lies...

this year, i wrote some of the best poetry i've ever written,
and discovered what lies beneath the mask of perfection

matthew discovered pokemon and all things pokemon

we learned how to play 'set', 'carcassone', 'life' and 'catopoly'--

matthew and i moved to muskegon, mi--

and i leaned on the arms of christ more than i ever have in my life.

and in 2006?

new beginnings, healing and discovery of myself...

snow white

2005-12-13T12:13:00.000-08:00

Kiss of white
Erratic in her path
From the heavens,
Alighting a feathers' touch
So as to leave no
Print on the ground…

She and dozens of her sisters
Visiting the brown expanse
Of a rough hewn apron
To bring a moment's
Crystalline joy--
A screaming prism
Of color--

Once,
And no more…

Eiderdown
On naked arms
Frozen skyward
In silent prayer
For warmth again,
A coat of many colors
Designed of love…

Softly,
Softly

She kisses the windows
Of the dewy homes,
Leaves her mark
On the glass for
The children to marvel
Frost-hewn breath pictures.

She loves,
But cannot embrace,
For her heart is hard
Beneath her firs…

She sleeps still,
This mother of dawn

it's that kind of day

2005-10-17T12:28:00.000-07:00

jamming to paradigm shift today--

was listening to some euro funk online station, but i just decided that i'd like to work to music that was mostly safe in content rather than wonder what those msyterious sound samples were that i was listening to previously.

so what defines a 'PS' day?

the need for head bobbing safe nonsense...the machination of the music driving a story to completion...heels and toes moving of their own accord and realizing that i'm relaxing in spite of my best efforts to be type 'A' today.

a perfect day?

PS at work...leopard print...leather...coffee...a leaf walk with my kid...hot cider...cinnamon...no muss no fuss dinner...harry potter...cartoon x-men with my kid...chess at schuler's...that's what a perfect day would be.

i can do most of that today. join me in revelling in the day before me. (but don't laugh at my dangling spaghetti impressions...)

hey ya'll

2005-10-04T07:11:00.000-07:00

still alive--just busy--more later. go bosox!

d-day...

2005-09-28T07:32:00.000-07:00

happy anniversary, greg.

clinging hard...

2005-09-27T07:22:00.000-07:00

my therapist asked me what the difference was between my nervous breakdown in 2000 and now, now being the harder trial...

aside from therapy, i'd say it was hope.

i had no hope in 2000, because i was stuck in a situation filled with anger and sorrow. faced with that, i was miserable...also, i was not walking with the Lord as closely as i am now.

Then, the promises in scripture didn't mean much, because i felt alone. a severe clinical depression was also clouding my judgement. again, i came through it because God put me in His hand with the help of a therapist.

this time, yes, the agony is exruciating, but this time, i have the hope in Christ, the promises of God that i cling to...i have the warmth of the body of Christ, and the knowlege of jeremiah 29:11...promises of hope and a future...

interesting...

2005-09-26T06:52:00.000-07:00

i didn't mean to feed the troll today. but i was looking for some documentation i needed in the nefarious one's stuff.

i found love notes and pictures, instead. urg. my troll got a steak dinner on that. i feel overstuffed.

BUT...

i needed God's hand to succor me in the isolation i was feeling yesterday. i was hurting pretty bad after matthew actually cried at church when he thought he and i were being separated. i was angry all over again that the selfishness of the nefarious one was impacting so hard...not just on me and matthew, but on all our family.

in that moment, He covered me with His hand. I checked out a church yesterday that had it's first divorce recovery support group meeting that day...the first one to re-form in 8 years.

i was rejoicing anyway in that, and then, when i got in the car to drive back to grand rapids, GT and the Halo Express came on when i started the car. the verse they were on...jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

now, see, that would be a good place to end this post...with your jaw hanging down and praising the Lord with me...

but then...
matthew asked me last night, 'mom, what's a traitor?' i said 'someone who makes a promise, then betrays that trust.' i was thinking of judas or benedict arnold. matthew pauses a moment, then says 'so, dad's a traitor.'

hoo boy. i asked where he got the word--from the 'lion, the witch, and the wardrobe'--edmund betrayed his siblings to the witch. he was a traitor...but in his case, he repented.

don't feed the trolls....

2005-09-23T07:54:00.000-07:00

after wounding myself by reading the nefarious one's blog, i have committed not only to NOT reading his blog, but also to not reading hers.

it can serve no purpose in healing, and will only feed the trolls that lurk within.

now, i have to resist the curiosity to find out what he's really saying, what he's doing, what he's still lying about...who he's fooling...

i have to consciously make the decision to put aside the righteous anger against him, and decide that i am better off without him and his i-pod brand of christianity.

it tortures me to realize he has replaced me already. but if i never let it go, my troll is gonna get really huge and then i really will be what he accused me of...

so...this is my promise to myself.

'from this day forward, i refuse to feed the troll. i will not look for tidbits with which to sate a salacious appetite.'

today, i put the troll on a diet.

i guess i knew it would come...

2005-09-23T07:14:00.000-07:00

i have been debating on letting him give his side of the story...is it mean? is it wrong? is it vindictive? i dunno...but it still hurts. the counselor warned me this was going to happen. i have heard it will get worse.

this is post entry from his blog. and i quote....

"boy
Just had probably the most intense and amazing conversation regarding God, the light within him and the gift that nearly everyone who encounters him recognizes. I am myself again. Free from a sort of oppression that is born in physical, spiritual and emotional abuse. I did not recognize that it came from another until I let go of her altogether. So much to repair inside me. But this I know, when I talked to him about the Holy Spirit, he knew to what part of his being I was referring. He felt everything I felt. He is amazing."

"Part of me has been there. The part that is still. The remainder is returning. This is how I know I can not go back. Even if I fulfilled the punch list, my true self would still be titrated and disolved. I am kinder and more gentle than the path these years have led me down. My love is unquenchable. But I can see now, for the first time, that I can and do love myself. I will take care of myself. I don't believe in a God that punishes you first then says, "m'kay, now you get godlove." I saw the light that burns in my chest reflected in my son's eyes. He sees the true self in people, just as I. My only prayer is that by being separate, Ruth can let go of her anger and become a loving person. She needs peace. And she needs to learn to love herself. She is worthy of it. She will get there some day. Soon, I hope."

i should have been better prepared...

and i said to my schizophrenic self....

2005-09-22T07:49:00.000-07:00

i was bogged down in grief when i came to work today...

but gradually, i began releasing the anger because i have the Lord on my side...

there's this passage that was discovered during prayer when eyes are supposed to be closed (thanks natalie)....lamentations 3:19-26

19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.

20 I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.

21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;

26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.

and the warm, healing glow began to spread in my wounded heart...it's a sad place to be in where you have no true friends or support...

i am rich--i thank you, all who are surrounding me and laying on hands...

gratitude will never quite cover the thanks i give you for your help and your prayers.

raw meat

2005-09-22T07:23:00.000-07:00

i'm really rather raw today. smarting from my last interaction with a nefarious fellow. no matter what he says to me, it hurts.

i thought i was making grand progress in the road to becoming myself again, and then, in three words, i'm brought up sharply and faced with my own inadequacies and someone else's selfishness. ouch.

Grief

Anguish is like bile,
poisonous if found in the wrong places--
sour and bitter when it's finally expelled.

it's agony holding it in,
painful to let out,
unbelievably ugly on the way up.

it burns a hole in what's left of your heart,
and stings as it rampages the belly,
keeps you awake at night,
at the ready to spew
in a torrent of words.

i glimpse only a portion of Gethsemane
and can hardly stand it...
torment day and night,
a 30-second respite when i wake and think 'it was a bad dream afterall!'

ah. no.
when there are no more words,
when there are only shadows of tears,
when the muscles go flacid in the death throes...

there is always the anguish.

yoda...

2005-09-21T12:25:00.000-07:00

a wise aunt natalie, cross legged on her couch, once counselled me that "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."

i stumbled upon evidence of betrayal...followed the thread through to it's end and fell back into anger and fear...

"Named must your fear be before banish it you can."

this same wise woman suggested i read psalm 37.

a balm of gilead.

1 [a] Do not fret because of evil men
or be envious of those who do wrong;

2 for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.

3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

4 Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:

6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.

living vicariously...

2005-09-20T11:05:00.000-07:00

for those of you who can guess what this post is about, you will just have to settle for living vicariously.

there are nefarious people who deserve good poundings...one such person and i did tussle.

the intention was to SING--Stomach, Instep, Nose, Groin--to inflict damage in the shortest time possible. managed Stomach and Instep, but missed the nose and hit the shoulder. got pinned before Groin--but managed a few shin whacks and a good bite mark.

for what it's worth, if you want to make a mad woman go crazy...grab her by the hair. but you might get flipped.

old yeller...

2005-09-20T10:03:00.000-07:00

i feel like i killed Old Yeller today.

stopped the rabid dog in his tracks...

hurts like a five letter word.

trials and tribulations...

2005-09-18T12:06:00.000-07:00

i would say what i'm currently experiencing is one of the greatest trials of my entire life and christian walk.

and yet, it's amazing, because amidst the crushed spirit and sorrow, i can wake up in the morning and be thinking 'O! For a thousand tongues to sing my great Redeemer's Praise!!!'

freedom in Christ is amazing. it cuts the shackles off your ankles so you can dance even during the trial...and you can look to His promises and know that no matter what, He's got your back...

wherever man fails, He never will--He is who He says He is...He can do what He says He can do...I am who God says I am...I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength...and God's word is alive and living in me...

i hand Him the pieces of my broken heart and rest on His amazing grace.

on your mark, get set, go!!!!

2005-09-13T13:54:00.000-07:00

racing with my kid. very, very undisciplined.

when you race, you stay in the lines and run to the end of the great, big circle.

when i race my kid, it's a free for all. starts with him stepping on my shoelace. then sticking his leg out in front of me, then grabbing my shorts and hanging on for all he's worth (and lemme tell ya, 40 lbs of dead weight on your shorts tends to bring them to your ankles pretty quick-like), sticking his arm out in front of me...you name it, he does it. cheats like a ...cheat...er....cheet....ah...yeah. a cheetah. no wait. that's supposed to be me. cheetarah.

anyway.

when it comes to running the race, sometimes you have to explain the rules over and over to younglings...cuz they don't make sense. i mean, c'mon! you run a race to win, right?

well, sure.

but you're supposed to gain satisfaction from a race well-run...that means learn the rules, run by them, and do your best, pressing toward the goal...

it's quite a job, these days, teaching those rules...living by them so you don't become an obstacle in your own desire to win...the eyes of the 7-year old roam to and fro...watching every single thing we do as parents...

it just means we have to live consistantly in God's grace...even when the footing doesn't seem very sure these days...

racing spikes come in handy, too--they dig in with teeth and hold to the firm ground. i'm gonna be showing my kid how to run in the fly zone and how to do the handoff, Godwilling...

grandpa already did a baton chase with him a couple years ago...i want my kiddo to know there's a point to getting on the track to begin with...

just some random thoughts...and yes, they mean something else, too.

chronicles

2005-09-12T12:41:00.000-07:00

matthew and i are doing the chronicles of narnia series...

we just finished 'magician's nephew' and are several chapters into 'lion, witch and the wardrobe'...last night matthew's eyes lit up and he says 'MOM! i KNOW this story! and the lamp thing that grew...and the talking horse that flys...and the TREE, mom. the TREE is the wardrobe!' all while jumping up and down on the bed.

he connected the dots. i love that about him. discovery is HUGE. i'm looking forward to doing the other chronicles with him. he loved the Grey King series too...YAY.

he makes coming home at the end of a long day well worth the fun it is to read till i fall asleep...i mean...oh.

well, tucking him in and reading cool stories. i love that with him. and anyone who has read the cool bionicle series will know that there must be the voices, and the special FX and the correct pronounciation, or you get the eyeball and the disgusted 7-year old voice going '*tsk* that's NOT how you SAY it. you SAY it 'way-noo-wa'...that's how mommy does it...'

heheh....i love creating legend with him.

is it that bad???

2005-09-08T08:44:00.000-07:00

i was jokingly chastised by a friend of mine who regularly reads this blog as to my reticence as of late...she said 'oh c'mon...is it that bad????'

yes. it's that bad. it's my worst nightmare come to life. i am struggling so hard to breathe right now, that all my attention is focused on just being alive.

many of you have already figured out what has happened, and for those of you who haven't or don't want to, yes. it's that bad.

bad stuff has left a slimey trail through a devastated household.

i cling to a song i used to sing at school...

'i woke up this morning with my mind,
with my mind,
stayed on Jesus.

hallelu,
hallelu,
hallelujah...

i'm walkin' and talkin' with my mind,
with my mind,
stayed on Jesus.

hallelu,
hallelu,
hallelujah...'

today, i found this:

psalm 87:2

"guard my life, for i am devoted to you.
you are my God, save your servant who trusts in you.

have mercy on me, o Lord,
for i call to you all day long.

bring joy to your servant,
for to you, o Lord,
i lift up my soul.'

some days, it's all i have to go on.

hurricane katrina

2005-09-01T08:08:00.000-07:00

the devastation of the hurricane, i can totally understand. it's a picture of emotion.

the aftermath will be equally terrible.

chills

2005-08-31T11:29:00.000-07:00

you know how sometimes believers just get the nudging of the holy spirit to pray?

well--yesterday was the day for spiritual warfare...today is the fallout...and my mom just i-m'd me to let me know that she and dad are on their knees for greg and me.

pretty awesome---they prayed too last night when the bombs were coming. and mom and dad bliss prayed--we had prayer warriors on their knees before the throne of Grace--

isn't it great to know that God moves quickly?

i already posted this, but had another thought to share, so i am calling this section:

ADDENDUM

after last night, i reached for my bible to seek solace there. one thing came out clearly, so i read it...God is faithful--far above what i could hope for. He is merciful to those who call on His name...

i should be so strong as to extend grace and mercy through faith in Christ...

Deut 30:16, Galatians 5:22

....

2005-08-31T07:14:00.000-07:00

just when you think it's all good, the other shoe drops.

in my case, it was a bombshell. i was in the dugout, prepared for the long haul, and in comes a mortar.

so now i'm laying here with the damage done from close contact with the shrapnel.

that pretty much describes the shock and wounding.

this will be the only post i make on this topic.

please pray for me and my family. pray a hedge of protection around us, clarity of thought and a heart for God.

embarassing moments...

2005-08-30T07:08:00.000-07:00

my day was going along as an ordinary day but it ended on a funny note. one in which i was spared any further goading or laughter at my expense because it didn't happen in front of or near my son or husband.

i took matthew to the library last night after work, with the intention of getting some more books to read. (this summer, i've been going through reading material like crazy)

it's a small library, so i can pretty much see matthew wherever i am. i let him go to the kids section, and i'm over in the new book section, sci fi and horribly depressed that not a single book i want to read is in this library.

as i peruse yet another rack of books, i hear some snickers behind me. i turn around and look at the two girls who are snickering at me, and they're both from a traditional asian indian family. They avert their eyes and try to get back to the screens they're working on, but they're snickering still.

mystified, i look down my backside (since that was started them snickering in the first place) and to my embarassment, there is a big, red bumper sticker (okay--it was like a 3 inch oval) attached to my hind quarters with a big white word on it.

'STINKY'

i have no idea where i picked it up, how long i was wearing it, nor why i never felt it. but that would account for the snickers at the gas station, at the restaurant...and at the bookstore.

my son never said a word...and i suspect if he had noticed, he would have. my husband never said a word...and i KNOW if he saw it, he would have said something. so...the mystery continues.

what day is it?

2005-08-29T07:22:00.000-07:00

i suddenly realized i haven't blogged since wednesday.

it's been a little hectic over the last couple days, and blogging honestly wasn't my top priority.

matthew's first day of school was wednesday, so we were busy with the festivities there...and, once again, i forgot to take pictures in the morning when he was combed and neat.

i took pics at night after he was rumpled and dirty...and they'll go into the book that way--years later, people will look at that and think 'she sent him to school looking like that?!'

yes. so shut up and mind your own business.

on thurs, it was the day of counseling. had a session in the morning with my counselor, then had a joint session in the evening. the one thing that he is doing differently from our other counselors is 'counseling'. gives us actionable points to correct our thinking...was in such a good mood afterward, i could be human at my writers' group.

friday was just hectic. i lost the whole day, and still had no accountability for what happened that morning, afternoon and evening.

saturday, we were invited to play at uncle paul's and aunt natalie's house. so, after we cleaned the house, play we did--went on an adventure, and let me tell you, the combination of too much sugar and a 7 year old trapped in a car on an adventure with no clues makes for a looooong ride to holland. was so wiped when we got back, i dragged myself to bed early. (allergies again)

sunday was sunday--church, home, lunch, family time. then the shoe dropped. greg asked me if i was serious about our marriage--if i thought it was worth saving. i was surprised because i thought he could recognize what was going on.

he is on the downswing of his mood swing--went from lots of energy to absolute lethargy and depression...lots of crying. but the short of it was that i said 'yes. why on earth would i commit to counseling if i didn't want to stay married? but if i commit, i expect you to, as well. and i won't accept half effort. you've been giving me half effort for 9 years. it's not okay anymore.'

more crying. what amazed me was how much we believe the tape in our heads. i've gorwn up seeing myself in a distorted mirror, and went on thinking that way about myself. stupid and ugly. ugly in character, ugly in personality...and can't think my way out of a paper bag.

so i fought tooth and nail to change those characteristics the best way i knew how. and i sought after God's heart to make mine beautiful in reflection...and even though i know i am made in God's image, i still believed He goofed a little bit with me. that thinking has poisoned the atmosphere of my marriage. it gave my husband a lot of leeway to perpetuate his angst and i accepted the blame for his bad choices.

this counselor is helping us change our thinking--of who we are in Christ, who we are as people, and who we are as spouses.

change is uncomfortable. but i think it is the same as breaking up fallow ground. gotta soften the ground up to make it receptive for growth. get rid of the weeds that will choke that new growth out. (me, the black thumb, making gardening metaphors)

i await what work He has in store for us, eagerly.

SPAMMED!!!

2005-08-24T20:31:00.000-07:00

if you read the comments on yesterday's blog, you will notice i got three from those that i will charitably call 'blammers'--blog spammers.

got one from the cholesterol guru--one from duncan weirman, and one from mel slabaugh--and guys, if you are legit, don't take it personally...but i have that eternal cynic in me that says you aren't...and that you are blamming everyone's space with your products---

it was only a matter of time before the telemarketer got translated to text messaging, ipod and blogs...they getcha comin' and goin'. granted, it's a legit form of employment, and it's gotta be a rough haul gettin' rudely treated all day long. kudos for not going postal.

but for those of us who get excited by the '4 comments' and think 'OH BOY! 4 of my friends or people friendly towards me thought i said something that merited discussion!!!!', well, we're disappointed that 3 comments were from blammers and one from said friend. (which, by the way, you had a funny suggestion...the tape can be viewed at matthew's high school graduation party...)

bitter? not really. any attention is good attention, right??????

back to school dance...

2005-08-24T08:11:00.000-07:00

i can't possibly begin to tell you how excited matthew was for the first day of school...

too excited to sleep last night, and wide awake at 5:30 this morning asking if it was time to get up yet.

when he crawled out of bed at 6, he began his morning ritual and added the 'happy dance'. this dance can only be described as a dancing penguin. i wish i had video to capture the moment...

imagine skinny boy in tidy whities jumping up and down with both feet and slapping his hind end. that's pretty much the dance.

i was greeted this morning with the dance in the bathroom, the kitchen and in the driveway. after that, there was a backpack to contend with, and he was too off-balance for the 'happy dance'.

we left early to get him to school. he gabbled on about who was in his class...and skipped around in his new white shoes. greg and i walked him into the school, and he disappeared. 'byemom*kiss*' and whoosh! he was gone.

i'm so glad he loves his school. i may not have seen him, but i could hear him down the hall, shouting greetings to the kindergarten teachers, his first grade teacher and to friends.

happy enough to make me do a happy dance.

fall's a comin'....

2005-08-23T07:17:00.000-07:00

this may be a bit premature, but fall is coming...

it tingles in every pore of the skin that's finally cooled off after the sluggish economy of summer...

back to school sales everywhere you look...and still, i hold off on the celebration...because i'm expecting indian summer to come along and sweat out my picture of a lovely fall.

ever the cynic.

i hold off in the excitement until school starts, too. for us, that is tomorrow. school uniforms are purchased, shoes, supplies, everything's labeled.

but until it's off my floor, it's not official. until i can close my windows and do a good fall cleaning, it's not official. until i can shut off the ceiling fans, and clean those, it's not official for me.

in the meantime, there are pre-fall activities to be done--cleaning the closets, baking apple goodies and getting the ingredients together for a bunch of stews and soups...

i'll be awaitin'--it's on the way!!!!

AAAAAACHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

2005-08-22T07:22:00.000-07:00

it's hayfever season--ragweed is killing me this week. started friday and i've been sneezing and sniffling pretty much non-stop for three days...four, if you count today.

last night, i'd had it. nothing was touching the sneezles, so i pulled out the big guns. i took actifed, and went to bed.

fully drugged sleep...and an antihistamine that would kill off those nasty buggers making me sneeze. not rested today, but am sluggish and sloggy, and breathing through my nose holes.

the stories i write today should be really interesting...i sure hope i burned off a lot of calories with the concerted fits of sneezing i've had over the last few days. goodness knows, i sure did get warm.

does a full-body sneeze count the same as an abdominal crunch? cuz if they do, i did several hundred sets this weekend...which would account for a sore back and six-pack in training.

i know, i know. today's entry is mindless drivel. what can i say? i'm sitting here writing it with toilet paper stuffed up my nose.

family crest

2005-08-18T07:50:00.000-07:00

i've been looking into the bliss family background for a little while--checking to see what the spiritual heritage is amongst the family.

it's rich--as rich as the blessings found in the yuen family.

found the family crest, too...

the symbolism is really cool--Argent, on a bend cotised azure, three garbs ore--or, according to the various sources i checked on heraldry, the prevalence of the color white speaks of peace and sincerity. the blue banner references truth and loyalty. it's shape, the bar - represents "one who sets the bar of conscience, religion and honor against angry passions.

The three wheat sheaves represent 'the harvest of one's hopes has been secured'...which goes along with the family motto, "quod severis metes" or "As ye sow, so shall ye reap."

and i can tell you, as i think of the family i know, bearing this name, it fits. i am proud to have my son bear not only their name, but the legacy behind it, and the rich spiritual blessings from the male line of the yuens.

matthew's name 'gift of God' takes on a whole new meaning, now.

wonder woman......

2005-08-17T13:04:00.000-07:00

when i was little (maybe 7 or 8), there was this set of toys i REALLY wanted. i remember coming across it in the aisle and standing there, transfixed. WANTING. NEEEDING....needing more than wanting. after all, i already had the red leotard from gymnastics, my red boots with white stripes, what more did i need? that awesome belt, tiara and bracelet set.

i snatched it off the shelf and ran for the nearest parental unit. mom said 'no'. something about price. i think it was $19.99--high, i know, but worth hours of fun. something about money. but we were at gold circle--why go there if not to spend money??????

i never did get the set. i had to put up with stealing my mom's gold belt and affixing red stars to it for my tiara, using tin foil that cut my wrists as my feminum bracelets, and gold brickabrack trim for my lasso. and i didn't even have a belt. sometimes i'd switch mom's belt for my belt of justice and then go without the tiara...and people would wonder, alright.

*sigh* seeing that brings back odd memories...imagination, superheroes and an afternoon at gymnastics. i bet my gymnastics instructor hated the belt and rubber boots.

the time does fly...

2005-08-17T07:57:00.000-07:00

i've noticed this week that when it comes time for matthew to say goodbye to me when i drop him off at kindercare, he wants to say goodbye, but he wants to do it out of eyeshot of his compadres...

it's still several hugs and kisses, but i can see the days of kissing every square inch of my face are drawing to a close...

i'm glad that i let him do it this spring at school--and that i took the time to enjoy the ritual every morning, despite the line of waiting parents behind me.

i can see that these days are coming to a close...

wistful, and yet, he's growing up...

grow in grace, my son.

mahnamahna

2005-08-15T12:31:00.000-07:00

ok.

thanks paul. he bought season 1 of the muppet show, and we hunkered down saturday night to watch it with him.

in the first show, there's the 'mahnamahna' song. matthew LOVED it. he giggled, chortled and snickered all the way through it. 'ahhh. innocent fun', i thought naively.

the next afternoon, he got the song in his head again, and started singing it...the problem is that it's a two-person song...requiring my assistance. so we sang 'mahnamahna' all the way through meijer, target, and michael's...then all afternoon while i made dinner.

first thing this morning, all the way to work....it's an earworm song that is easy to contaminate others...

and so, i attempt the link here: www.milkandcookies

adjusting....

2005-08-15T07:41:00.000-07:00

i noticed i haven't posted in a few days--it's mainly because i didn't really feel i had much to say because all my energy is focused on the adjustments that i am making since greg moved back home.

the adjustments have been grueling. i got used to many things in a different light, finally accepted where we were and what was happening in our relationship. i got used to the idea of single parenting.

now, i'm undoing all that and trying to deal with the same issues we had before he left. it's exhausting, to say the least. it's trying my patience, what little i had.

but i have to say that as i step back to take a deep breath and plunge in, it's what's best for our family. i look at what we could be, and how we could magnify God's glory when we come through the other side, and it makes me dig in for the work of the 'now'.

matthew is a reflection of that. he's been so thrilled since his dad came home. he no longer has problems sleeping at night. he doesn't have trouble being in a separate room during the day. he is happy we are a family. and that is another big huge point in the column of 'stick it out'.

believing God. what he will do will be far and above more than i could have imagined. i can't see what he's doing at the moment, but i trust his character--psalm 103.

i can't wait to see what we'll look like when he's finished.

stupidest movie

2005-08-10T07:48:00.000-07:00

i watched the jackie chan version of 'around the world in 80 days' last night. huge waste of time.

it was funny in parts, but i kept expecting it to follow the jules verne story. aside from similarly named characters, that was about the only resemblance to the original. i liked the david niven version much better...although that, too, played fast and loose with the story.

in any case, i fast forwarded through the movie so i wouldn't have to put up with inane dialogue...(and at this point you're asking 'why not turn the dumb thing off???' because i'm cheap and i paid money for this rental so doggone it, i will see some of it and know how it ends...) by fast forwarding it, i turned a 2 hour movie into 1 hour. saw fun jackie chan moves, skipped over stupid stuff, went to bed at a decent time.

i wondered about the reviews on this one, and when i read them, i totally agreed. i'll give this one a 35% approval on a scale of 100%...for teachers, that would be an 'F'.

avoid this one...not the stupidest movie ever, but close.

mixed feelings

2005-08-10T06:01:00.000-07:00

i know, i know...two in one morning...

well, just so you know, one entry was lighthearted, and this one won't be.

there's an update in the greg and ruth saga...greg decided to come home monday.

it is with mixed feelings that i receive him, because i am struggling with a deep resentment now. he ran away from his family, and when he decided he wasn't mad at me, he came home.

this is where grace will take hold, i hope. while visiting his folks last week, i found out many things about the family that explain the depth of hurt, the overdeveloped sense of justice, and the ability to ignore what is obvious...

people that i have come to love in the course of my relationship with my husband revealed some of the lifechanging struggles they've confronted. these are struggles with terrible things, more than the everyday fight--these were things that destroy most other families.

but here is what i see now--the family took hard blows, and they prevailed victorious through the strength of Christ. the bliss' took hold of the promise that God is who He says He is, and will do what He says He will do...people will fail, but they looked to God for deliverance...they understand grace and forgiveness...family members have forgiven and extended grace to those who wronged them...and believe me, it's more than what is humanly possible...which is why theirs is the testimony of faith...

i think greg and i are at a crossroads...and what we choose to do and who we choose to follow will determine the strength of our family in the future. the understanding and practice of grace and forgiveness is well used in his family...many people are praying that greg chooses to follow the godly path...

i can't help but believe it. on the bliss family crest, is their motto: "quod severis metes" or "As ye sow, so shall ye reap." and they have done nothing but sow godly seed into his upbringing...

he knows the way home...and for that reason, i dare to hope.

back in the saddle...sorta

2005-08-08T07:08:00.000-07:00

WHOOOOSH!

that's the sound of a week's vacation whooshing by...and man, does it move! i took matthew to see my in-laws in south carolina this past week--weirder than weird, the adventures i go on with this family.

first off, i'm wandering around the detroit airport killing a 2 hour layover with a 7-year old kid. as i'm wondering for the fifth time if we should go into yet another book store, i hear 'hey!' look up, and there's nathan--a co-worker of my bro's and a friend of mine...'do i know......HEY! what are you doing here?!' ( i obviously forgot i was at the detroit metro airport) he's flying to florida and we cross paths at the airport...how weird is that?! (boding much for the week to come)

we fly, we land, we get greeted and it's a whirlwind from there. the bliss family, if you don't know them, talk at 200 times the speed of sound. by the time you get there, they've moved on. they pause to take a breath and you 'insert word here' which sets them off on a totally different direction at 200 times the speed of sound...and no one thought runs concurrent with the one you just shared...but there are 3 realities running simultaneously, and you just have to keep up.

dad is the tour guide, so we're also hearing about every nook and cranny of greenville that has grown since the last time he told us...he is so proud of his city...his enthusiasm is infectious. now i want to see all of the growth and visit the museums and other things...which didn't happen.

my brother in law, tom, is headed for mexico on a missions' trip. that leaves his wife, julie, at home with 2 high drama toddlers. we didn't really see any of the sights of greenville during our visit...but we caught up, we babysat a lot, and cooked a lot.

tried to get to bed at a decent hour, but the bliss family runs on fumes regularly. grandpa and matthew went fishing twice, we hit the swimming hole a couple times, and hit a couple local places. one was a roadside peachstand, but ya shoulda seen this one.

to call it a 'peach stand' was like calling wal-mart an around the corner convenience store. good stuff too--white peaches, regular peaches, peach chutney, peach butter, peach preserves, hand ground corn meal...all very southern.

in short, matthew and i came home pooped. i had built into my time off a recovery period which was friday, saturday and sunday. good thing. had lots to catch up on.

so i'm back in the saddle today, sorta...if i can figure out which day it is....

YEEEEEE-HAAAAAWWWWWWWW!

2005-07-29T10:34:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, there was a person of female persuasion who was employed by a school to tell stories...true ones...and that made her weird. (well, no, she was weird already, but this confirmed it)

anyway, upon an annual celebration, the king of the lands would bestow upon each worker a gift. this gift was called 'vacation'. many of the people tending the lands excitedly used this gifting, but our female unit left it gift-wrapped because deadline approached and there was work to be done.

as a result, when female unit did get around to unwrapping the gift, she discovered that should she take her sick days, vacation days and personal days end to end, she could be gone for 78 days.

what a gift. so shiny, so unused.

'but that would be pointless,' you say. and so it would be.

female unit put in for time off...aside from holidays. and the female unit launched into planning summer vacation in february. bought tickets to destinations down south so as to visit the in law parental units with offspring in tow.

as such, adventures untold lay waiting...and female unit determined in advance not to get any sleep tonight in anticipation of a week of non-workplace related stress.

stay tuned! the exciting adventures of female unit and offspring will continue Monday, August 11!

charlie and the chocolate factory

2005-07-28T06:28:00.000-07:00

wow.

can i say it again? wow. our family went to see 'charlie and the chocolate factory' last night, and we loved it.

we love the original, but what i liked about this movie was that it wasn't an attempt to remake the movie, but an attempt at telling the original roald dahl story.

matthew and i read the book together after i bought the gene wilder movie. the original movie added scenes not present in the book...much in the vein of 'wizard of oz'. and they left out cool stuff that was in the book...again, 'wizard of oz'...

that's why i loved tim burton's telling of the story--it's pretty true to the book--right down to squirrels, as opposed to the geese. johnny depp was weird in a harmless-creepy-poor-sunstarved-hopelessly-out-of-date-boyman kind of way--i don't think michael jackson comparisons are fair. michael was just creepy in a -don't-leave-your-kids-alone-with-him kind of way.

there were some physical similarities--pasty white, weird hair, new-victorian flair, girlish voice--but that was pretty much it for me...shoot. that could be me in a couple years....(oh wait...)

anywhoo...the new movie was magical without being totally ridiculous. 3 thumbs up for a fun check!

birthday

2005-07-27T07:05:00.000-07:00

yesterday was my birthday...i turned ** years old. and no, it doesn't translate if you check which number corresponds with the asterisk.

matthew told me that being a grown up must be boring cuz birthdays aren't as fun. depends. this weekend, my family celebrated with me. my folks, paul and natalie, matthew and greg. greg joined us for dinner saturday, and made a fast exit, but the rest of the family and i enjoyed the muskegon air show...(perhaps i should put the word 'enjoyed' in quotes) had ribs and corn on the cob (funny how my birthday dinner happened to be paul's favorite menu), mini cakes (YUM) and general whee!

mom and dad gave me this gorgeous necklace, and paul and natalie gave me a book on saturday, which i finished monday night. the only reason i didn't finish it sooner was because greg gave me season 2 of wonder woman, and matthew and i spent sunday night watching some. (season 2 is WAY better than season 1)

so when the actual day came, i woke in a good mood. dad called me and wished me a happy birthday. paul i'med me a happy birthday. my in-laws spent the same amount overnighting a birthday check as they did in the amount they gave...i love the effort! matthew remembered to zirbitz me every time he got near me. thank you, uncle paul. hannah gave me a celebratory coffee, and even the university president got in the act, with lunch and a creme brulee at the country club. i was already feeling fat, but then becky sent treats and had us over for dinner, cheesecake and a movie...which was only way fun.

when i pointed out that my friends and family were celebrating the day i came into this world to bless people with my oddities, i told matthew, 'birthdays are fun when you spend them with people who care about you.' he piped up with 'and presents.'

to which i said 'remember eeyore and his birthday? the fanciness of the present didn't matter to him. it was because his friends remembered.'

he nodded sagely, as 7 year olds do, then said 'yeah. but a party at the children's museum, mom. you can't beat that.'

school supplies

2005-07-25T19:42:00.000-07:00

it's that time again...

time when the ads are blaring 'back to school!' and i find that i've been living in a timewarp. i think 'BACK to school?!?!?! we just finished the school year!'

but then, i see the ads and my mouth waters for the new crayon smell, the new pencil box, new glue, lunch boxes, notepads, rulers, pencils, scissors, backpacks, uniforms...and i toss my wallet in my purse and out the door we go...sans school supply list.

matthew's school, unfortunately, does not issue its supply lists until the sales are over. 2 years running. so, i go, i buy, i guess based on other same grade classes, i overbuy, i forget, i re-buy.

in the end, we have a dozen assorted rulers, boxes of pencils, notepads, you name, we got it. i could open my own store. last year, i way overbought. i figured 'it's 10-cents.' sure. times 40. times 13 items...it adds up fast.

we had all this stuff in the supply closet, and then, with great anticipation i open the school supply list. (golden moment) rip open the envelope. (insert scary music here) it reads: 'for this year, your student will need (1) ruler, (1) 16-pack crayons, (2) tubes glue, (3) pencils. (thankyouandhaveaniceday)'

that's it. i have an office supply store in the closet, and he needs '(1) ruler, (1) 16-pack crayons, (2) tubes glue, (3) pencils. (thankyouandhaveaniceday)'?! i check the backside of the paper. nothing. *sigh*

(1) ruler, (1) 16-pack crayons, (2) tubes glue, (3) pencils it is then. (thankyou,butijustseriouslyoverbought) his backpack is so light. so empty. so malnourished.

i thought about the family across the street--i bet they could use this stuff. i was about to go ask them, when another school envelope caught my attention. i opened it and saw it was a letter requesting school supplies for the tsunami kids on banda aceh, indonesia.

no backpacks, but the items they wanted were extensive. i hauled the cache out of the closet, and when we were finished sorting the items, we had enough to give three full packs of school supplies to the kids in indonesia. how cool is that? i bundled them appropriately, put 'em in matthew's pack for the first day of school.

he got out of the car, put on the pack, and took one step before losing his balance and falling on his bum. he looked like a turtle with his legs in the air, trying to roll over. he succeeded, only to find that the pack was now crushing him flat. i got out to help him, and carried his 50 pound pack into school.

now that our supply closet is empty, i see that it is time for school supplies to be bought. markers...50-cents, 24-pack crayons...10-cents, glue packs...50-cents, paper...10-cents....

i'm salivating over the new lunch boxes too. i need to hie myself off to target for a round of school supplies...be right back...

blessing

2005-07-25T07:27:00.000-07:00

i'm writing this early so i won't forget on monday...just assume this is monday's entry.

friday, as i was taking matthew to daycare,we were chatting about several things. there was a pause in the action at a stoplight, so i started humming to myself. the tune i was humming was one i began singing to him in utero as a blessing, and regularly sing to him at night.

it goes:

"good night,
sleep tight,
i'll see you in the morning,

good night,
sleep tight,
i'll be here when you wake.

my son, may you grow in grace,
and in the knowlege of your Lord and Savior.

my son, may you grow in grace,
and in the knowlege of Jesus Christ.

to God be the glory,
now and forever,
now and forever,
amen.
(repeat)"

now, as i was humming this tune to myself, i obviously didn't say 'good night, sleep tight' as it was only 7:30 in the morning.

but as i broke into the chorus, i sang the words...and from the backseat, matthew says 'mooooooooooooom! don't sing my goodnight song! that song makes me sleepy!'

then he stifled a yawn, rubbed his eyes, and then a huge yawn burst forth, and his eyes were at half mast...i subsided, but i laffed heartily.

it was a good way to start the day.

the ungkl pol action figure

2005-07-22T13:09:00.000-07:00

now that i brought it up, there have several questions posed to me as to what an ungkl pol action figure would look like.

i asked the kid. after a looooooooooooooooooong pause, he said it would be spiderman's suit, but with ungkl pol's face in it--

he would have the abilities to climb up walls, make awesome video games, help kids that fall on their heads, has super silly blast, has super lifting power for lifting kids up to get something on the top shelf.

as for accessories, the uncle paul action figure has a video game system, a memory card, and his robot feet.

there's also his trusty sidekick, matthew-boy, his love interest, ant natlee, and his nemesis, mom-girl. (i'm laffing here)

i can see the stories here....more to come.

sufferage

2005-07-22T07:45:00.000-07:00

i took matthew to target the other day to pick up some incidentals and got sidetracked at the clothes racks. on the other side of the store.

anyway, as i'm looking for the perfect outfit to wear in 'ridiculously hot' weather, matthew was gathering the size markers he found on the floor. now, normally, that's enough to keep him happy.

but this particular day, the store was nearly empty because they're moving to a new location. so he had 2 tags and nothing else was on the floor. so he wriggled this way. then he wriggled that way. then he hopped, jumped, rolled and generally did things that bored people do in dressing rooms....(when you're a grown up, you do pushups, dips and squats)

then he turned big brown eyes on me and said 'are you done yet? when is this going to be overrrrrrrrrrrrr?' i looked at him, smirked and said 'am i making you suffer?' without missing a beat he grinned and said 'not nearly enough to make you happy...'

that's a joking dialogue that's been tossed around between the fabulous ungkl pol and ant natlee. he picked it up, and we're now using it...

man. ungkl pol should have his own action figure.

oh, my.

2005-07-20T12:19:00.000-07:00

i found a re-release of a album i owned in college by crumbacher...it was $1, so i bought it...

wow. serious 80's. it's like a train wreck. i can't stop listening, and in my head, i'm seeing big mullet heads, rolled up jacket sleeves, skinny ties, rubber bracelets and dayglo.

((((shudder))))

'tame the volcano'--the music of the 80's was jaunty, light hearted, and corresponds to the feeling of the 1940's--which was post WWII and a perfect outlet for escapism. the decade also copied fashions of the 40's, although badly done.

as i remember it, the 80's was the 'good ol' days' of yuppies, materialism, and silliness, in general. very little mainstream cinema was worth watching the first time, let alone any at-home viewings...and music videos took mainstage...kinda like the big stream musicals of the 40's...

i'll be interested in watching how the adults of the 80's correspond to those of the 40's...and their children, adopting certain values--and what happened to the AMerican church during those time periods...

just random thoughts...

geeknessity

2005-07-20T07:48:00.000-07:00

i have a soft spot for certain anime programs like robotech, cowboy bebop and full metal panic.

on our dvd shelf, you will find the whole full metal panic series, all the episodes of cowboy bebop, and the first 13 dvd's of the original robotech series...

as a kid, i used to watch the series with my bro on tv...so naturally, when i spotted them for sale at the used dvd store, i snapped up the first 2...and got hooked again. as i previewed them, i wondered if matthew, with his love for robots, would appreciate them.

since they were originally aired after school, they were safe. so, i plunked the boy down with me, and we watched the first episode...and he got hooked. YAY! so, i got him hooked on star wars (although in his mind there are HUGE gaps in the movies where i either stopped the movie for the violence or fast forwarded it...he's in for a big surprise when he gets old enough), and now i have him on robotech.

he confided to me he thought dana sterling was annoying, and informed me lyn minmei can't sing. he thought musica was the neatest female character in the series,and couldn't figure out why sean philipls couldn't get his act together. this is where the whole thing starts taking on that soap opera feel.

btw--it's freaky these days when i wander into a comic book store or a used dvd place and know my way around the anime section. i get this funny look from the comic book store guys and they start following me around. it's creepy. might have something to do with the combat boots, i dunno. (i took a geek score test, and i am not a full blooded geek, cuz i don't do geekspeak, but i scored way too high in all the other areas...so i'm a poser, i guess...)

so last night, we're watching the 5th dvd in robotech, and matthew looks at me and asks if i ever had a thing for rick hunter...i told him no, my guy was speed racer, and he nodded understangingly. hahahaha! early crushes...

lafcadio

2005-07-19T07:51:00.000-07:00

there is a book that has that golden glow from ungkl pol's house--it's shel silverstein's 'lafcadio: the lion who shot back'.

matthew has heard the story many, many times. although ant natlee first started it, and i have had several stints as the substitute narrator, it's ungkl pol's story. on our last visit there, ungkl pol gave matthew his own lafcadio...which he delightedly accepted.

we read through several of the chapters together. one night, matthew went to bed and asked if he could read for a little while. i said 'yes'. when i came to bed, i checked on him, and he was sprawled out on his bedspread, lafcadio smashed up on his face. i couldn't figure out where he was in the book, so i guessed, bookmarked the page, and put it away.

turns out, matthew read the rest of the book that night. i didn't quite believe him, (he would have been reading really fast) so i quizzed him about the end of the book. he had, in fact, read it. he said the ending was really sad because it was a story about someone who didn't fit in anywhere, who lost himself.

wow.

aside from the analyzing i did on that revelation, i wanted to add that matthew took his book to kindercare to read to the other kids. clasped to his chest, he proudly brought it out of the house, into the car.

once we got in, he opened and began to read. i heard about lafcadio all the way to kindercare. what cracks me up is that he did ALL the sound effects like ungkl pol. every voice inflection, every sound, every muff. exactly like ungkl pol.

it was so....endearing. for so many reasons. it filled my jar of sunshine for the day, and i had to share.

harry potter

2005-07-18T07:15:00.000-07:00

i took matthew to the public library saturday to get cooled off, mainly, but to also get a new round of 'the avengers'.

as my brain was still fuzzy from a very late night arrival home from chicago, i needed coffee and food. on our way up the stairs to the library cafe, i spied a harry potter display...with 5 brand new harry potter and the half-blood prince books, as yet unread.

i grabbed one and gleefully made my way to the cafe.

now, today is monday, and i have already finished the book. and i have to say that i can't wait to see what the conclusion will be. it's obvious she isn't finished with the story...she introduced too many new character possibilities at the end to be finished with the series.

she also killed off one major figure and it will be interesting to see how that plays out. what amazes me is how she 'matures' her stories. we start out with an 11-year old boy and by book 6, we have a 17-year old male who acts sooooooo 17.

matthew and i spent our weekend reading, playing trains, trying to stay cool, spending some time with the Lord, playing video games, and all in all, being fairly quiet (as quiet as a 7-year old can be).

*sigh* life is good.

of cool things and sealing wax....

2005-07-17T07:02:00.000-07:00

ok--

you know when God pokes you in the head and says 'stop whining!'? i had that happen this week.

i was in chicago for the midwest nrb conference and noticed that one of the guest artists was a group called 'first call'. this group holds a special place in my heart. lemme 'splain.

in 1991, i was working at a radio station in south bend. we were holding a huge outdoor concert featuring rich mullins, first call, rhythm house and a couple other smaller groups. a special feature of this concert was the preceding retreat with host rich mullins. that was awesome...it was also one reason why this guy i met at my parents' church (toledo, oh) decided to come and visit for that weekend on his way to L.A.

after the concert, radio staff went to dinner with the artists. the guy, one greg bliss, sat across from marty mccall--and lo! and behold, discovered a connection. greg worked with marty's mom in theater in greenville, sc. lots of chatter...long story short, greg and i married, first call went on to do great things, and then the other shoe dropped.

first call broke up over an affair one of their members (marabeth jordan) had with michael english. being a big fan, my heart broke for them.

fast forward to the present. about 2 months ago, i was rummaging through our church library, when i stumbled on a back issue of christian woman today. it featured an article on bonnie keen, one of hte members of first call. so i dove in. came to find out she went through a lot of personal anguish. her 11 year marriage broke up due to an affair, and she was a single mom. when she thought that was in her past, first call broke up for the same reason...and she fell into a deep depression.

i'm reading this thinking 'wow. she's like my apostle paul. she's been through it and survived. i can get through this trial, not even on the same scope, and survive.' (here's where the poke comes)

fast forward again to last thursday. all this is going through my head when first call gets on the stage. they're reforming and working on a new album. and bonnie is sharing a little of the trials all 3 members are facing.

at the end of the concert, i went up to talk to her...marty remembered me and greg...they were all excited to hear we got married. then as i spoke to bonnie, i just shared some of our struggle. oddly, she and i were on the second round of beth moore's bible study 'believing God'--and i reminded her of the 'ebenezer'--God has got me through this far...

in the end, both bonnie and marty prayed over me, over greg, over our marriage.

and the poke came. God said 'i know what i'm doing. you have to trust me.' no such thing as coincidences...these people were in our lives at the beginning of our relationship, and introduced again at a pivotal point in a marriage.

my heart is lighter--courage comes through knowing God's absolute character.

the avengers

2005-07-13T07:56:00.000-07:00

matthew and i have been watching 'the avengers' from the late 60's--when i got back from the library, i told him i had more 'avengers'.

his eyes lit up and he said 'mrs peel?'

'no, tara king'. momentary confusion. 'who's that? i like mrs. peel.'

wow. good taste kid. mrs. peel rocks. not like alias rocks, but she rocks. love the attitude, love the wardrobe, love the fact that she can make running like a girl look cool.

i figured he had the same reasons. i asked anyway.

his answer, and the reason for today's blog: 'because she reminds me of you.'

mondays

2005-07-11T07:48:00.000-07:00

i like mondays...sometimes.

today, i'm looking forward to the day just being over. yeah. it's been one of THOSE days.

i have some work to do tonight, sandwiched between a workout, watching my guilty reality tv show pleasure and putting matthew to bed...but i'm looking forward to some quality time with my boy.

mondays, greg does a poetry event downtown, so i know it's a free for all at home. we typically do a peanut butter and nutella sandwich, bananas, carrots and juice for dinner, per request.

we also pick fun movies to watch while playing games and eating our 'dinner'. so i look forward to the structure of kid night. tonight, i'm wavering between lasagna and matthew's request...depends on how hot the house is, i guess.

fruit kabobs, for sure...now, the movie. batman beyond, justice league, robotech, star wars, wonder woman...bionicle. brainless enough to watch while playing uno or mancala.

i tried watching bionicle with matthew last night when we played 'set', but i started getting interested in the movie, and he whupped my tail. he now officially likes that game.

i'm looking forward to getting whupped again. :)

fantastic four

2005-07-10T09:54:00.000-07:00

i naively believed the press i heard about the fantastic four. we enthusiastically bought tickets for a friday family fun night--crazily drove rush hour traffic to get the last matinee in...

of course, matthew and i arrived in time to see greg wasn't there yet...movie started 5:40 pm--we waited...and waited...at 5:40, i bought the tix. started fuming. 5:45, 5:50, 5:55, 6:00, 6:05, greg comes in. i was gonna blast him, then he said 'you don't get to be mad. i lost my muffler on the way here.'

oh.

so we went in, ruffled feathers aside, to watch this extravaganza of super hero comics that was supposed to be safe for the kids to see. as we make our way to our row, one character blurts "SH**!" we stop, mid-aisle, surprised at the language...which is followed by many other suggestive remarks and other forms of words that made both of us cringe as parents.

then came the action sequences. they were really cool...and some were kinda suggestive...i wound up covering matthew's eyes periodically. from our row, we annoyed nearby attendees with very audible "*TSK* MO-OMMMMMMM! I CAN'T SEE!!!!"

my point exactly. what was i thinking, bringing him to this movie without previewing it?! ahhhh...i watched an interview with Jessica Alba and heard her say, "this is a movie you can take your kids to!" and i believed her. now, i'm thinking "duh. she's not a mom."

hokey pete! more gory action that i wouldn't ordinarily be that overly conscious about, cept i have a 7-year old on my lap...conveniently placed for immediate eye and ear coverage.

just as the movie was picking up pace, and the evil dr. doom starts throwing our heroes around the lab, blasting holes through people, we had had enough. matthew wans't seeing much, and i was freaking out constantly. greg did too. in my heart of hearts, i wanted to leave. he read my mind. we got up to leave. we weren't mad, because it was our own dumb fault, but lesson learned and innocence intact, we hope.

we want to come back to see the whole movie sometime...sans child. i hear it's fun, it's been called a 'date-night' movie...but it is NOT for kids. i'd say there's too much language, suggestive talk and violence for kids under 10.

YAY!!!

2005-07-07T07:23:00.000-07:00

i have good news to share...my friend, whom i shall dub 'polecat', just got word back from his doctor's office and the result of his CAT scan was no cancer.

what makes this triply exciting is that there is no cancer. (YAY!) polecat has gone 2 rounds with it already, done 2 rounds of chemo over the last 5 years. this is the same disease that took his mom at the age polecat is now.

i am rejoicing with him and his family because he's still healthy. we're having a cancer free party in august, an annual tradition since his first round of chemo. they're godly people, whose testimony is strong during difficult times.

glad hearted am i for him, for the strength of his faith, for the encouragment, and for God's blessing!

harmony and tragedy

2005-07-06T07:47:00.000-07:00

first the fun stuff: but beware--i have some thoughts today that are heavy--and will end today's entry with those...

kitty soccer. that's enough to lighten anybody's mood. my kitty, miranda, is actually 14 years old. she has arthritis, but she is a lover and loves to play. this morning, we played kitty soccer.

she came in, and batted a 1/2 inch metal ball bearing in front of her. she looked up at me with the look that said 'what?' then she turned her back on me and proceeded to swat it around some more. i rolled another ball bearing at her butt. she leaped up, startled, then looked at me and swatted it at me. so i rolled it back. she did some fancy footwork, and rolled it to me. at that moment, i was watching the weather, so i didn't see her 'kick' it back. she waited a moment, and then meowed loudly so i looked down. she looked pointedly at the ball and then at me 'your turn.' i obliged. she would back away from the ball, charge it and swat it to me...and if i took too long, i'd get yelled at 'HEY! the game is over here! NEVER your mind on what you are doing...always elsewhere.....'

we played for a couple more minutes until i really had to get going for the morning. when i came downstairs again, she batted the ball in my path. i stepped on it. it hurt. if cats could roll their eyes....

now. the serious stuff. miranda has been lovey lately because i have been sad. my son has seen that sadness too. last night, as i put him to bed, he asked me 'are you and daddy getting a divorce?' i have never heard that word come out of his mouth before. it had a nasty sound to it.

i said 'i hope not.' he said, 'why not? he's not here anymore. you would be happy.' i sighed, and said 'it's not part of God's plan, that's why. we are trying to talk to a counselor over our problems so that we can be friends again. God doesn't like divorce. it's bad for families.' he nodded, then said 'but what if you do?' i couldn't answer him. we just held each other for comfort, and i prayed my eyes out.

the fact he talks about divorce makes me angry. the fact he looks beyond to what life will be like without his dad makes me angry. the fact his dad is of two minds makes me angry. in fact, i feel like i'm angry all the time now.

and i'm praying my heart out, hoping for the peace that passes understanding...for the magic wand that makes this all better. for a little laughter...

then i remember, i have the one with the Very Round Head...he makes my heart light--living true to his name--'gift of God'--

and then...there's always kitty soccer....

thanking God for blessings...

ah, monday...er...tuesday.

2005-07-05T07:36:00.000-07:00

what a glorious weekend. need more sleep today, but overall, matthew and i had a relaxing, fun time with paul and natalie in muskegon over the 4th.

of course, what yuen outing would be complete without the 'project'? so, we cleared out the master bedroom for painting, and natalie and i did a yard sale. yes, we're stupid. but it didn't last forever.

my goal for the yard sale was to not take anything home. $30 would make me happy. natalie had bigger dreams for her part. in the end, we each took $30 home, ended at 2 pm saturday, and took the rest to goodwill.

shoot. if someone would have walked in that was my size, and looked interested, i would have given her everything. as it was, the lady who bought all matthew's pants, i wound up giving her the shirts too...remember the goal.

how liberating. got home, sunburned...hoped that my other arm would catch up to the drivers' side tan, but it didn't. still the promise of the beach. natalie was bright pink.

the room looked great, we settled in for a bbq. after that, talk was limited to single sentences between catnapping adults (greg, me, natalie). matthew occupied himself with ungkl pol, i tried to read a book, between falling asleep. did not bode well for a movie marathon.

after greg left, we attempted two towers. i missed some parts...the story is really weird when it's all battles...in parts where i was awake. i gave up. sunday was another day.

church, beach and attempts at staying awake. some tan line, but no matching arms...no sunburn, child filled his shorts with sand. i mean FILLED. as he buried himself, he was tucking sand into his wasteband. almost lost his trunks when he stood up because they were so heavy with sand. i thought we got it out, but when i did manage to empty them, there were still 2 cups of sand in his drawers.

natalie napped the rest of the day, while paul, matthew and i did other stuff. i tried to read, managed half a book, kept dozing. matthew and paul played video games...or something that sounded a lot like video games. and then...it was time for fireworks and smores. YAY. we threw the pop-n-drops at each other, i dropped 3 boxes, ruining them entirely, we annoyed the neighbors with much hoopla and celebration...then we tried to burn some marshmallows for smores over the grill.

child went to bed sugar high and very, very tired. monday was catching up day, natalie and i went shopping for an outfit to match her shoes...i made some manlike comments about it being backwards, but got the hairy eyeball.

i got really bored waiting for natalie in the dressing room, noticed there wasn't anyone about, so i did a set of pushups, then squats, then tricep dips---on the 23rd one, natalie came out of the room, looked at me, and rolled her eyes. i subsided in the interest of preserving my health.

then time to go home to face the reality of all the stuff i didn't get done at home. ah, but today is another day....and i'm grateful for the respite of good company and fun. (lenny was forced into the open with GASP! my child because of the painting, and made his ire known, with lion like roars in his own mind. unfortunately, they came out to our ears much less intimidating...sounded more like 'GO HOME!')

and we did. waking to another morning of 'what day is it?!'

it's gonna be busy...

2005-06-30T07:25:00.000-07:00

for those of you who are regular readers (gulp! and ohboy! and yipes!), i will be alerting you that the next few days will be very quiet.

holidays don't mean the same to me on my production schedule as they do for others...in other words, for me to get monday off, i have to write and produce friday, saturday, sunday, monday and tuesday today...so, i'm gonna be busy.

and once i get my much worked for day off, i have no intention of being anywhere near wires, computers (cept for paul, and that i can't help--he's a walking gadgetmobile), cell phones, palm pilots or anything connected to work.

i intend on jettisoning any useful data friday afternoon and won't reboot till too late monday afternoon...

i hope you all have a great holiday weekend--thanks for your patience.

great adventures

2005-06-29T07:38:00.000-07:00

Sooo….there's this weird thing that happens at home sometimes. Matthew loses something, asks for help finding it, and we will invariably clonk heads as we search together.

Might I say, he has a Very Round Head.

As the Round Headed one came to me last night, he was in distress, not being able to find Hotshot. Hotshot, for the uninitiated, is a transformer from the armada series. (see pic)

He is about 6 x 3x 2, and tends to hide in dark places. He also hides a lot in blankets on beds and in clothes baskets. Hotshot loves water, too. He has taken numerous baths, showers and wash cycle rides.

So that narrowed down the list of Places To Look.

I took the washing machine, dryer, car, and bathroom. Matthew took under the bed(s), futons, dining tables, closets.

No luck.

We gave up after a while, because Matthew's well-known attention span wandered off to create an alias elsewhere.

At bedtime, he was getting ready for bed, came into our room with toothbrush in hand, and he said 'SH! What's that?' I had no idea what 'that' was, so I started asking the question 'what is…' got shushed again.

There's something not quite right about a 7 year old shushing his mom, and I started to point that out, when I heard it too. A faint clicking noise. Well, really, a faint clicking and licking/brushing noise.

We looked under the bed--me at the foot, he at the side…and beneath the bed was our cat, Miranda, laying uncomfortably on top of Hotshot and trying to groom her toes. 'AH HA!' we shouted, startling her into five -star pointiness.

We both grabbed for the toy, and both grabbed something furry, which translated into pain shortly thereafter, and as we recoiled, we…

DUK!

Bonked heads. Round Head and I laughed hard. I rubbed my eyes, not remembering I had grabbed cat with that hand. Seconds later, I was taking Actifed and heading for a nighttime slumber…(too bad it didn't stay that way, but that's another story…)

wild buffalo wanderings

2005-06-27T19:55:00.000-07:00

once upon a time, there was a girl whose tribe called her 'wild buffalo'.

it was not due to any specific buffalo characteristics she bore, other than clumsiness--but it seemed more comparable to the way she ran...snorting like a buffalo slightly out of control.

this girl, who shall remain nameless, felt the name fit well, as it accurately described much about her habits and amusements growing up. among those amusements as a tomboy, trying to prove how tough she was amongst her neighborhood posse in suburban sacramento.

games played and invented were meant to cull out the weak, and hopelessly sissy, so they involved a lot of running, tumbling, bleeding, kicking, bleeding, falling, bleeding and bruising...but no crying. crying was for sissies.

for some reason, wild buffalo's younger brother thought it fit to write flash video games of the actual tournament because...

i dunno, you'd have to ask him why.

one game, that was called 'kick shins' involved dexterity, speed and ruthless strategy. teams line up on opposite ends of the soccer field. at the whistle, both teams ran for each other, to get to the other side. when they met in the middle, teammates kicked at shins like crazy. the object was to get to the goal without falling down, with the fewest bruises possible. if someone fell, that hapless person got whacked by everyone. so people learned either not to play, or to run fast.

Another came was called 'the wall'. Imagine if you will, a glorious red brick wall in a school yard. This wall stands tall, with character and strength. The idea was to approach the wall at top speed, slam into it, and not cry. Sissies need not apply.

But the favored game in the League of Insanities was known as 'joust'. This involved building up to bike ramps, opposing. The idea was to have the teams send one member at a time to the ramps at full speed. The successful jouster hit the ramp, went airborne, and knocked the opponent off his/her bike into the sand pit. At one point, actual pikes were considered, but no one could hold onto them and the bike, too.

There were other various games involving speed, dexterity, obstacle courses and various contests of muscle, but not brain. And, it was then, that the young girl, like Atalanta, demanded that each suitor run a race with her, on the condition that the winner would marry her and the losers would die. While a little young for marriage, it was a contest of wills and domination. and she was proud to be undefeated while in california.

But alas! Wild Buffalo found a match equal to the battle of wills…and was outmaneuvered…in ohio.

the regaled tale is one where people in the halls of wisdom still shake their heads with disbelief, even as old battle scars show…and young warriors, listen, eyes round, to the prowess (or stupidity) of the young girl who ran to outpace her shadow.

perspiration...

2005-06-27T07:28:00.000-07:00

this weekend, i spent time in toledo with my folks to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary with them. of course, we joined them at church sunday, and pastor terry gave part 2 of his message on faith.

the one thing i came away with was the definition of hope.

perseverance--hope deferred. romans 5:3 is a source of hope these days.

3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

hebrews 11

1Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. 2This is what the ancients were commended for.

faith and fear both look to the future, with one exception--fear is without hope.

sometimes holding onto hope is like holding onto a paddleboard in rough waves. it feels like it's going to slip right out of your grasp, and you'll go under, but then, your fingernails dig into the polyfoam, tear a hole in, and you can stuff your whole hand into the board and stay afloat. (sorry julie. i know it was a new one.)

i was thinking how timely these thoughts are as i prepare to go into my first counseling session tomorrow with my husband. last week, greg told me he didn't think it was going to work.

i nodded my acceptance, and wanted to rip his heart out by way of his nose. then i wanted to go to steve's house and kick rachel around for a little while till i felt better about myself.

i tried not to find irony in the fact that rachel and her husband split and then 3 months later, my husband and i are separated...and lo! and behold! they're both renting rooms from steve. not to find irony in the fact that they've both been denying rumors of affairs for the duration of our 9 year marriage...and yet...they're living in the same house.

and i am infuriated. so yes. i want to do bodily harm to this person. and the man harboring these two idiots. i want to shake sense into greg's head and make him see how his choices are hurting people. no. i want to do more than shake. i want to piledrive sense into his head.

but then, i take a breath, ask God to calm the raging sea, and grab that paddleboard. as i anchor myself to it, i realize, it was so much bigger than i thought. it was actually connected to the shore.

i climb out, sputtering and somewhat worse for the wear. believing God will do great things--somehow turning this into something that will bring glory to His name...changing hearts and minds...

hope.

making millenium,
in a house shifting blue,
living on soul tripping mantras
emerging art worthy
to walk on hope.

winnie the pooh

2005-06-23T07:56:00.000-07:00

we've decided to do a little light reading at bedtime these days. we've gone off the bionicle series, and finished the akiko series, so we're now reading 'winnie the pooh'.

a.a. milne is sheer genius. he created a society that behaves and thinks like a 6-year old boy. each personality is distinct. each movement has purpose, as far as the 6-year old imagination goes. this is especially more amazing when you know milne didn't like kids.

i think what it captures is the innocence milne lost in the wake of the war. he pictures an idyllic time of life where there isn't avarice, or corruption or any pollution to mar.

i love watching matthew's face as i read the adventures of pooh and his friends. he is enraptured...it's a chord struck with young children...i remember i got the gift set when i was a kid, and i didn't bother reading it until i was particularly sad one day when i was 8. i felt lonely and forgotten because all my friends were gone and my mom was very crabby and uncomfortable, being great with child.

i felt like i didn't matter anymore because all the scurry and bustle was about the coming baby. so i dug the set out. and i started reading it for something to do. the purity was refreshing and comforting. it was safe.

in this time of turmoil at home, we have found a harbor to share. it's a bond for us, cementing the things we struggle with in our faith, celebrating the value of innocence...

The sky is perfectly blue
The clouds are perfect too
And here I am with you
What could be more right

A quest has come to an end
And home's around the bend
And here you are my friend
What could be more right

Nothing can go wrong
If everything is right
And everything is right somehow
Nothing can go wrong
As long as everything is right
And everything is right, right now

Bees are buzzing around
We're on familiar ground
And look at who we've found
What could be more right

Nothing can go wrong
If everything is right
And everything is right somehow
Nothing can go wrong
As long as everything is right
And everything is right
Top to bottom
Everything is right
Thank goodness you've got him
Everything is right
Perfectly, wonderfully, totally
Silly old bear
Right now

batman

2005-06-22T12:14:00.000-07:00

for some odd reason, i was in a 'black' mood today...meaning i intended on wearing all black to work again...when i got dressed this morning, i had the sleeveless black turtleneck, black capris and boots, with black studded belt. nothing really scary...just 'edgy'.

everything was good till i woke matthew up--his eyes peeled back a second, then popped open and he gasped. 'MOMMY! you SCARED me. i thought you were batman!' aside from the myriad things that were running through my head, i did not feel like playing batman today.

so i changed. but i miss my batarangs.

if you can't say something nice....

2005-06-21T12:47:00.000-07:00

there's that old adage 'if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.'

well, i'm in a particulary not good frame of mind. i'm cranked at my husband. the edge of bitterness, and all that sort of rot.

and frankly, speaking what is in my head will only poison my thoughts toward my current marital status. i am really having one of those days.

started out oversleeping (which i do once a year), then it went south from there, including the $2.35/gallon prices in the tank i needed to fill...

so. that's it. for today, consider me a crabby old....something. but i learned from paul how you spell that dribbly sound from the water cooler that makes you have to race to the bathroom.

and i quote "bibbleeeboobibbleeboobibbleeeboo."

and that, my friend, makes it all worthwhile.

fathers' day

2005-06-20T07:14:00.000-07:00

it was an odd combination of a weekend for me. friday, instead of going to a fancy schmancy wedding (which i had been looking forward to for months), greg and i went to a movie.

now, the movie would have to be pretty good to compensate for the black tie dinner we were missing...and thankfully, it was. we saw 'batman begins'. i'd have to say i'd watch that one in the theater more than once. i liked it better than 'revenge of the sith'--*GASP*. i know. it's something about guys in black body armor.

incidentally, for those wondering 'why didn't they go to the wedding?' the couple were acquaintances of greg's...their relationship was kinda odd from the get go--she, being the groom's high school english teacher, he, well, much younger...their dating relationship actually spanned the course of 5 years. i figured they'd grown out of the 'ick' factor.

greg couldn't quite stomach it. well, there was a lot more. with our current marital issues, he felt weird going to the wedding and putting our blessing on their union. we bought a gift, because i insisted, saying 'if you felt funny, you should have said so when i sent the RSVP in 2 months ago!!!!' it was up to him to deliver the gift.

so, upon returning from the movie, he delivered it. he said the couple wasn't at the reception--must have been out taking pics.

saturday came and went...got some stuff done, but the one thing, the lawn mowing never got finished because greg couldn't start the mower. i dunno. i gave it a whirl, but he was standing behind me being 'helpful'. i will work on it again tonight and see if i can't figure it out. i'd bet there's water in the fuel. so that's my project tonight. all day saturday was running here and there and getting this and that. it was a relief to get home and watch a couple episodes of the 'avengers' from 1968. by the way, the best avenger was mrs. peal. we're watching a series with 'tara king'and it's summed up this way. matthew says 'can we watch wonder woman instead?'

sunday, went to church to watch the baptismal. i hope i hope i hope. matthew was watching intently at first, but 30 people later, he was bored. lunch was a disaster. took greg to logan's in grandville and the food was terrible. we'll never go back. but at least we were having a decent time together. we got back and greg took matthew to millenium park for the first time. i couldn't go because i'm on a strong dose of antibiotic and the sun makes me break out in a rash.

ah well. i stayed home and started reading a michael jecks' templar knights mystery. 'belladona and belstone' finished it last night. i love these books!

pretty much a quiet weekend. how was yours?

zonie

2005-06-17T07:30:00.000-07:00

no idea why this came up...but...

once upon a time, a long time ago, in a land far, far away, (mishawaka),
there was a kids' TV show. this TV show was hosted by Captain Ed Friend and co-hosted by his li'l buddy robot, zonie. the show was callled the 'kids adventure zone'...and behind the little curtain, there sat the puppeteer, named ruth.

i was zonie...i got to work his remote controls, and flash his lights, and talk...i mean, interact with captain ed. it was a hoot. and i had a blast. i could make zonie grab captain ed's hat and wave it around...he had this little voice (my voice run through a processor) that was pretty cheeky.

so, zonie had a personality. and the kids loved it. zonie's fan mail started coming in bags. my head got fat.

the highlight: a group of elementary school kids was touring the south bend police station, and saw captain ed. they spotted a calculator on his desk, and one of them asked 'is that zonie's cousin?'

it's pickin' 3 am...

2005-06-15T03:10:00.000-07:00

i rolled over...tried desperately to fall back into the dreamstate i so abruptly left. matthew had climbed in somewhere in the middle of the night and he was sitting upright. i assumed he had a potty emergency...but he had been sleepwalking, i guess.

so, now i'm awake. and awake. and awake. worrying. (what, me worry?!) greg and i clashed blades again in the 30 minutes he was home. it was ugly. it was made even more so by the fact i thought i'd caught him in a lie, but he pulled his butt out of the morass just in time.

pms topped with frustrated anger and sprinkled with passive aggressiveness. what a mix. i'm suspicious that he's passively waiting for me to get tired of waiting on him and force the issue to a head...divorce or no?

worry, some more. cause and effect. i decide to analyze, then decide not to, then do it anyway. and it gets me nothing but resentment. so then, (hit between the eyes) i remember that often, God wakes people up in the middle of the night so He can talk to them, uninterrupted.

so i wait. i listen. and i pray. pray not for that cad-faced oaf, but for the heart of this witless fool. for the pride to be broken. and peace. i'd love some peace.

i fall asleep again, believing God--He will do great things in the days ahead.

bmi

2005-06-14T07:16:00.000-07:00

one good thing about doctors. they have a decent scale. my last trip revealed i had dropped that nasty 5 pounds that i put on.

out of curiousity, i checked my bmi--or body mass index. it's a measure of weight for height. mine is 19. most 'charts' put me in normal range...but my doc's chart, taking into account my advancing age and bmi, puts me back in at 'underweight'.

now, i haven't been underweight since i got pregnant 7 years ago. i gained 65 pounds with my pregnancy, which put me in at around 170 when in went into labor. i lost it all, then gradually, my metabolism betrayed me and i put on 10 pounds since then and haven't lost it.

not too bad, considering. what gets me is i was celebrating being underweight. there is something not quite right about the whole mindset that goes 'YAY!you look like a skeleton!' body image--what a distorted thing from what it was designed to be--a reflection of God...

when i put it into perspective, it reminds me that our bodies are the physical hands and feet of Christ, the temple of the Holy Spirit...through which we can bring glory to the creator, or we can pervert it into shame...and the struggle goes on with nearly every follower of Christ i know.

for myself, this time, i can say that the loss of poundage was replaced by muscle--i've been running and doing calisthenics like crazy because i want to get into shape to live to a decent middle age. a healthy approach to taking care of my person to see the greater work God has set before me accomplished...i think my dad has become that example for me.

baptism

2005-06-13T07:22:00.000-07:00

call it trial by fire.

it was a learning experience for us both. mars hill offered a baptism class Sunday afternoon for kids aged k-4. i got all excited, because this is an event i have wanted to see take place for eons.

to have my son publicly declare his faith in Christ is one of the greatest things i desire. so i talked to him, and we went to class. he got all weirded out by the possibility that everyone in church would be looking at him. then he got all weirded out by the questions i was asking.

Q-'why did you place your faith in christ?'
A-'because grandpa told me to.'

and the more i probed, the more weirded out he got...to the point where he was unable to say more than 'i don't know.' so obviously, he isn't ready. i have no doubt he's a believer, but he's a little immature yet in his faith...and this is not something i want to rush.

i was disappointed, but i think what was revealing to me was that he wanted so hard to please me, that he broke down in tears and begged to be baptized. i was in shock. i didn't realize i'd put that much pressure on him, and then i was ashamed that i had.

we talked. we agreed to try again next year and learn more this year. we were okay. as we got in the car to go to the grocery store, he said, 'next year, when they let me choose who baptizes me, will you do it?'

my heart swelled, and i gave thanks to God for the spiritual heritage that has passed to my son in the male line of this family. i am privileged to be a part in discipleship of a follower of Christ.

schuler's

2005-06-11T14:08:00.000-07:00

my family visits regularly at the schuler's books and music store on alpine. so regular, that the gal behind the register at the cafe knows us by name. knows when she sees us to punch in 'kids quesadilla' and 'steamer' in the register, and pulls the books out for us to choose from.

normally, matthew and i play a game of bad chess while there, in addition to heading for the kids section for minutes of fun jumping off the little tables there. we're predictable.

except for this one day. it's blazing hot out, and we take refuge in schuler's AC. walk in. matthew says, 'i'd like the pbj.' i'm not paying $3.95 for pbj, and fruit. i nix it, and goes on to beg for the fruit plate. again, $3.95. i nix that too. i suggest mac an cheese or quesadilla.

he opts for a scone. i nix it. we settle on mac and cheese. at the register, he asks the gal for a whole carrot, unpeeled. she wants to know what he's going to do with it. 'eat it', looking at her like 'don't you know what to do with a carrot?'

she charges me $.75 for the carrot, then has to see if the kitchen has any. the one she brings out is HUGE. like a foot long and 2-inches in diameter. it's been cleaned. full marks on presentation. he sees it, and rubs his hands together with glee.

i'm staring. i realize i'm staring. i close my mouth. it's not that he doesn't get vegetables at home, he's just not wildly enthused about eating them...not like this. he asks for a bag for his food, saying 'mac and cheese is basically junk food, mom' (hey! he quoted me!) and walks off to the kids are with carrot in hand, loudly munching and crunching. i can hear him 10 feet away. SNAP--CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH--SSSS-NAP! MUNCH, MUNCH, MUNCH.

the kid in the kids area looks up to see what goodie is coming his way, and is revolted that it's a carrot. matthew waves it in his face. 'i have a carrot and you don't'. the kid finds mom and now she's at the counter asking for a carrot.

he's a plant for the nutrition patrol. i admit it. and the pronouncement on the carrot's bouquet? 'very orange'

i come to find out later, he'd read somewhere that the food you eat comes out in your ...daily constitution, and he wanted to see it work. hence the carrot...to make it orange...

the land of fruits and nuts...

2005-06-10T09:54:00.000-07:00

hoo boy. i'm gonna get slammed on the theology of this question:

when God goes grocery shopping, does he buy religious nuts or spiritual fruit? (hint: my 7-year old picked the right answer, and added that He would also add wonder bread for miracles and tear it up into small chunks for manna.)

oh. and God obviously created nutella.

don't i know you?

2005-06-09T10:31:00.000-07:00

every so often, i get hit on. i am more amused by my co-workers' reactions to the hitter than by the hit itself.

my co-worker, joel, just laughs and shakes his head, then describes to me what was going on while i wasn't looking. it's become a running joke in the news department...because it happens usually at any press conference i go to.

the latest one occurred at the gas station. i was all by myself, but it reminded me of one attempt witnessed by my sister in law at the beach last weekend.

it goes:

feckless fellow says: "well. now. don't i know you from...."

me: "no."

ff: "...but, i could swear..."

me: "no."

ff: "how about..."

me: "no."

only this time, he slides a coffee across the counter.

me: "that's not mine."

ff: "it's okay. it's on the house. consider this our first date. what school do you go to?"

me:"...i'd be in 16th grade 15 years ago."

ff: "....ohhhhh. well. you're preserved well."

BWAHAHAHA.

weird dream....seriously.

2005-06-08T09:21:00.000-07:00

i have weird dreams. in one recurring dream, i dream i'm a squirrel. i do squirrel-like things in my sleep, much to the amusement of those around me, who are no longer asleep.

another recurring dream i have is about a giant tractor tire and a pixie stick who talk. the tire has a teeny tiny voice and the pixie stick has a deep 'james earl jones' voice. they're at tea when i come in and they both tell me to go back to bed. i only get this dream when i am sick.

now, that being said, i had a weird dream (not recurring) last night. so weird, i had to blog it. it happens to involve several people about whom i had several discussions. in the beginning of the dream, nathan and i were running like crazy from something chasing us. we were lost in the bowels of gospelcom and armed only with rubber bands. as we scooted around the corner of the cubicle into paul's office, we were relieved that he was there, fully armored and equally terrified of the same thing chasing us.

we each took an airsoft gun, made a plan and broke out--think area 51. i was so keyed up, i shot anything that moved. sorry, morgan.

as morgan lay in his death throes from being shot close range by a gas-powered airsoft revolver, brian comes around the corner and soundly berated me for having an itchy trigger finger. knowing nathan would be really ticked at my taking his team down, i shot him too...and ran like crazy as the something approached.

i heard paul and nathan shouting 'marco!' 'polo!' in the other cubbies...gopher head style...and then screaming, shooting and silence. now it was just me. and the something approached.

so i ran. suddenly, i'm in the offices at wcsg and i'm scrambling to hide in the ceiling. from that vantage point, i see the something cross beneath me. it's natalie. fully armed, alias style. i sneeze as she passes beneath me. she stops. looks up. i'm hidden by a ceiling tile, but the next thing i know, the air is filled with flourescent orange plastic bb's.

as i crash to the floor, natalie wallops me with a water balloon, dances, says 'neenerneenerneener' and i groan with the realization that i'm 'it'. i hear my name called. when i turn, it's a wall of paul, nathan, morgan and brian advancing on me with rubber band gatlin guns.

down for the count. i dreamt i hit my head on the desk as i went down, and it made a really loud racket. my last conscious thought was 'my head must be really empty for it to rumble like that!'

it's 3 am--a massive thunderstorm was rolling through grand rapids.

alrighty then....there were these other guys...

2005-06-07T10:33:00.000-07:00

apparently, i created and fomented an atmosphere of keen jealousy amongst the gospelcom geeksquad by quoting someone who said something funny.

it prompted 'hey! i want to be mentioned toooooooooo.'

so morgan. you da funny man--i laffed pretty hard at your outtakes for gospelcom...i laffed more at paul's snorting in the background, but it was inspired by your funninessisity.

and brian--i didn't want to be the heir apparent in crazy stalker 'you don't know me, but i know you' things, so i didn't want to bug you. and as paul can readily tell you, i HATE bugging people. oh wait. no. i LOVE bugging people and it goes against my nature to control myself. no, that's not right either. ii LOVE controlling people, er...this isn't going well.

okay--so--ya wanna give me stuff to quote?

what---me worry?!

2005-06-07T08:38:00.000-07:00

A wise man once said (and you know who you are...) "Worrying works!! 99% of all the stuff I worry about never happens :)"

i may be giving credit where none is due, but i laughed heartily over that one and attribute the appreciation of it to my type a+ personality. Then i started thinking of how much i do worry.

lately, at night, i've had a hard time falling asleep because i'm worrying. i'm thinking about the stuff i have yet to accomplish and it's not done. or things that need to be done that i can't do by myself. or things that need to be done that i can't afford.

recently, natalie asked me if i had stuff to donate (IF i had stuff--ha) for a garage sale that the pampered chef ladies are holding to raise money for a convention in california. HA! i did a 27 fling boogie through the house and came up with a pile of stuff. but then i worried 'is it big enough? will it bring in the money she needs? is now the time to rid myself of extra garbage my husband has been storing? housewares???? shouldn't there be housewares in this pile?!?!?!?!'

i looked at my pile growing on matthew's floor and decided to go through again. i did some cleaning of my closet, greg's and matthew's. i could do more. aha! toys! that boy has so many toys he doesn't play with! into the closet i went, and came out empty-handed. mainly, the toys he doesn't play with are balls, and several board games. anything else, and both my kid and my husband would screech, and rescue it from the pile of doom.

so, back to my worry. at 12:25 am this morning, i'm scrounging around looking for stuff to add to the pile so it's 'decent'. i give up. and i'll worry some more. (i tried to distract myself by reading, which is great, till i turn out the light again)

stupid, i know. but there it is. if it is something to worry over, i will. (screech! worrying generates wrinkles! if i'm worrying this much, no one will mistake me for being in my 20's anymore!!!!!!! worryworryworryworryworry)

wrinkle.

hide and seek

2005-06-06T13:31:00.000-07:00

this weekend was a blur of activity. felt like it, anyway. among the many things done, yet another visit to uncle paul and aunt natalie.

long story short, matthew was having a heyday. the fabulous uncle paul decided to make use of some gadgets and incorporate everyone into a game of 'hide and seek'. the girls got to stay inside in the air conditioning, and the boys ran around outside hiding. natalie and i had to use the 2 way radios and the binoculars to try to find the boys.

matthew was just excited beyond belief. now, i KNOW he loves his uncle paul and aunt natalie, but they are also the topic of his writing projects.

there was one friday where natalie was coming to get matthew because paul and i were teaching a seminar in cedarville. here's the text of his story:

title: my journey to muskegon

'On Friday, my ant is picking me up. i whil play, and look for dear.'

on another project, dated 10-15-04, he has drawn a stick figure of himself, holding pokemon balls. next to him, he's drawn a very tall, very skinny figure of ungkle poll with big long skinny feet. (accurate, at that)

drawn, labelled with capitals on the names.

i have also found he drew a picture of me in another project. 'my mommy is happiest when....' he filled in 'she's hugging me.' and drew me hugging him. and it looks like i'm hugging him! i like that one. he's a remedy for a sad heart some days. it's another one of those things i store up to ponder and treasure.

that boy. he's my cutie patootie...or as he told a man in the play area at the mall, 'my mommy calls me 'sweetie pie'.'

bat...girl

2005-06-03T09:41:00.000-07:00

it was a wild and crazy night last night...upon arriving home, miranda decided to make a break for freedom.

she scooted out the door as i went to the car to grab some things...and, if you've ever seen the futility in chasing a cat, it's not worth it. catching the durn thing is like holding onto a soap bubble. only this one has 5 pointy ends. i decided she'd come back to me once she was hungry and needed a place to poop.

MEANWHILE,

i went to bed, but was awakened at 2 am by a noise. i thought it was miranda banging on the door, so i went downstairs to let the cat in. on the way down, something swooped by my head. yes, i started. no, i didn't scream. but i thought 'tsk. it's a dumb bat. the second one this year.'

so i let the cat in, and she, hanging her head and not quite looking me in the eye, apologized for running around outside where it was cold and wet. i scolded her anyway.

then i went for the bathroom towel to deal with the bat. by this time, it was swooping all over the place and getting confused by the ceiling fan. so i chased it upstairs to matthew's room. snapped it out of the air with my rat-tail, and....lost it. could not find the durn thing for the life of me. looked behind the bed, under the covers, in the drawers. found batman's cape, found his accessories, all of which were soundly pounded before i found out they were toys. no bat. i moved matthew into our room, and went back to bed.

no sooner had the lights gone out, than there was that 'flap-flap-flapping' noise. now, i was annoyed. i turned on all the lights, and there was miranda leaping into the air, trying to take a swat at the flappy-thing. i chased it around for a minute or two, and then decided to let it settle downstairs so i could get to it. on the way down, miranda leapt off the landing and batted the flappy-thing out of the air.

then she had her paw on a wing and stared at this 'it'. when it moved, it scared her, so she backed off, and the bat was off and flapping again. i used my rubber band gun on it, but only succeeded in hitting the cat, so i was back to the rat-tail towel. i snapped it out of the air again, and it fell behind the futon.

no wonder i lost it in matthew's room. when the wings are folded up, it's the size of a black mouse. i got the swiffer and bashed it on the head a few times. it flopped around a little, and then it made its way back to the landing, where i caught it with the towel, bashed it with a croquet mallet, and carried it outside.

the best part...matthew never woke up. i am so proud of myself. [i'm only ookie about spiders---((((shudder))))] now, where are these guys coming from, i wonder? i told my son this morning that i caught another bat, and the way he looked at me, i felt super-human. SUPERMOM is on the job!!!!!!!

urrrghh....

2005-06-02T16:37:00.000-07:00

i woke up this morning wondering who was trying to smother me. then i realized no one was in my room but me...and my nose was full of snot.

after having been up for a little while, i woke my son up and lo! and behold, my voice came out in a rich, rolling bass. well, not rich, exactly...nor rolling, if you want to get specific...but definitely bass.

so, the question: is it a cold or allergies? i know not. i took actifed last night to dry up what i thought was allergies, but woke up with my head full of snot. i don't feel terrible, but i don't feel energetic, either. and i've stayed away from coffee. that's a sure bet i'm sick.

i attempted to keep all my germs to myself, just in case. but if you all come down with it, i apologize...you can blame matthew, too. he started it.

i am meeting up with dwight and linda and paul and natalie at bd's mongolian bbq tonight and i can't taste anything. *sigh* that can either work in my favor (can mix odd flavors and it won't matter), or against me...(no appetite at all). prolly against me. i've eaten a cup of yogurt and a 10 oz serving of lunch swill today...and i'm not particularly hungry...

so...not particularly deep today...not deep at all. in fact, downright shallow as i spill my guts on what is foremost in my mind. am i sick or not?! it's better than the alternative discussion---

flatulence.

aha! moment

2005-06-01T06:20:00.000-07:00

i figured out why day 8 hurt. i caught matthew's cold. it hurts to breathe...or the approximation of breathing/wheezing.

as running buddy #1 and i went out down the beltline today, we inhaled all the morning rush hour fumes. yuck. that made it even harder to breathe, then i passed a white pine...and allergies took over.

usually, a run jogs the crap loose, but not this time. i declare today a non-coffee day. i'm all for tea and water until this gunk shakes loose.

the rest of the sore is from all my parts jiggling at different intervals. the last i checked, i had a body mass index of 18, so there isn't a lot to jiggle, but what i have does. and it's all cranked at me today.

so if you see me hobble, be nice and don't bring up old, or i may have to flatten ya. :)

it's day seven

2005-05-31T13:31:00.000-07:00

having been stung by my out-of-shapeness several weekends ago (thanks paul.), i bought new shoes and started running again. days 1-4 were pretty good. run a couple miles a day, feel great, lots of energy, thirsty as all get out.

day 5, uh-oh. started out sore, and didn't loosen up. day 6, same. today is day 7. i started out and didn't feel good. i was running with a gal who admitted she hasn't been out since december, so i was going easy on her...i thought.

about a half mile in, she's gasping for air. she says 'go ahead', so off i trot at 'my pace'. i died at 1 1/2...but i also hate running by myself when i'm supposed to be running with someone, so i went back for her to encourage her in. (YAY! extra mileage)

i felt like my old track coach, but i was clapping, and encouraging, and all that so she'd finish--and she kicked! i was surprised--it's like the races i have with matthew.

['ya wanna race me, mom?'
'ohk-----' 'GO!' (and he's already running by the time he hollers 'GO!' like a 50-foot headstart in a 70-foot race.) i'm still saying '...kaaayyyyy...' and realize he already started. catch up, pass him, he grabs my arm and hangs on. dang! he don't cheat fair! ]

so it was with running buddy #2. but she finished strong. her lungs gave out at the office door, and she prolly will never run with me again. i was just trying to encourage her...maybe push a little.

i will have my comeuppance friday. running buddy #3 has been training at 4 miles regularly. i think she trains at a 8:30/mile pace. i'm gonna die.

rb#2 says "i don't get why you like running."
i say "it's because.........."

tuesday matthews

2005-05-31T08:19:00.000-07:00

we're on the way to school today, and it's GORGEOUS. blue skies, a few sketchy clouds, birds, horses, green grass. everything is vibrant.

i mention it to matthew and say 'days like this are God's blessing, aren't they?' he says, 'yup. they're gifts of God--like matthews!' i have always told him why we chose the name 'matthew' for him...it means 'gift of God'--and i tell him that because he was gifted to us, he is precious...so, for him to connect gifting with his name is always neat.

he declared today a 'matthew day' because days like today make him want to sing.

me too.

memorial day

2005-05-30T05:23:00.000-07:00

spent the weekend in muskegon again. have been spending a lot of time with paul and natalie having fun.

this weekend, natalie's parents drove in from kansas to spend the week with her. i felt kinda like i was intruding on family time, but everytime i checked, we were encouraged to stay. and it was a blast.

matthew took to dwight and linda like a 3rd set of grandparents. he was absolutely delighted to be in their company. i think the feeling was mutual...i watched as dwight sat on the floor with matthew and tried to play pokemon with him, as matthew changed the rules every 30 seconds or so.

on monday, we went to craig's cruisers for mini golf and go karts. again. watch out world! matthew takes his driving seriously!! way fun. it was a gorgeous day. matthew actually slept in past 7 am, so i got to sleep in past 7 am. by the time everyone got rolling, it was 11.

the whole day was like that. at 4, it felt like noon. at 7, it felt like 4. it was a lot of fun just being with everyone and enjoying the fellowship. when we came home to a quiet house, it felt 'absent'. the cat, miranda, was really, really, really happy to see us.

she was so happy, she forgave our absence and curled up on the suitcase. this is similar to how we lived the next 12 hours with her.